Super Bowl XXXIX: a Lesson in Betting
Sure, that was a long way to go for a bad joke, but it was a lot more funny when I thought the Roman numerals for 40 was XXXX. Still not funny, huh?
But before I go any further, I’d like to share with you my NFL quote of the year. It comes from Oakland Raiders cornerback Phillip Buchanon. It seems young Phillip was not playing so well and was removed from a game and then split time with second stringers. Other players and the coaching staff seemed to think he learned his lesson and, a week or so later, he regained his starting position and teammates mentioned the demotion lit a fire under him. His quote? [Pause for dramatic effect]
“I don’t know what the problem was, but supposedly, I guess, I wasn’t making some plays or something. I don’t know.”
Bravo! See, a lot of people would learn a lesson. Or they would have said they learned their lesson, as in, “Oh, I learned my lesson. Whatever it was, I sure learned it.” I mean, he could have at least stolen some lines from Red in Shawshank Redemption: “Lesson? Now let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means . . . I know what you think it means, sonny. To me it's just a made up word; a reporter's word. So old fellas like yourself can wear a suit, and tie, and have a job.”
Not Alfred E. Buchanon: “What? Me learn?” No wonder folks are lining up around the block to coach the Raiders.
Speaking of the Raiders, they didn’t make the playoffs. However, the Vikings did. So that was good. Short-lived, but good. Actually, this was one of the most enjoyable post-seasons I can remember. Normally, I watch the playoff games wondering which team I want to lose more. This year, we had the Packers to dislike. But most of the other teams I actually liked in some regards. And some of the teams for which I was rooting actually won. Like the Vikings . . . when they beat the Packers. What a glorious day in Minnesota! We’d like to thank the little people. Wait! Is this the NFL I’m talking about? I’ll change that to, “We’d like to thank the non-steroid-taking people.”
The Super Bowl itself has the Philadelphia Eagles against the New England Patriots. Eagles? Patriots? Is this a Super Bowl or a political campaign ad? Of course, the winner goes on to the Democracy Bowl to face the Tehran Frenchmen.
I know I said that I enjoyed a lot of the teams. But when I have to resort to rooting for the Eagles to win (and I am), the Super Bowl is just a break from preparing for the NFL draft. Here’s a preview. Anyone following Temple knows that Wally, Wally Washington that is, is going to make a name for himself at quarterback. The sleeper of the draft will be offensive lineman Richie Incognito of Nebraska.
But the Super Bowl is only part of the weekend festivities. On the Saturday before the Super Bowl, some cranky sportswriters, wearing suits and ties, will huddle in a room and decide on the next class of Hall-of-Famers. For those of us who watch football, this seems ridiculous. We know that all the Hall of Fame needs to do is read the transcript of football game announcers’ dialog. The announcers are always willing to tell us who will be in the Hall of Fame. They always refer to some players as future Hall of Famer, as in, Future Hall of Famer Tim Brown. Future Hall of Famer Jerry Rice. Future Hall of Famer Troy Aikman. Future Hall of Famer Joe Theismann. The electors should listen up. Announcers don’t throw that adjective out to just anybody.
Here are my predictions for the Hall of Fame class of 2005: Miami Dolphins Quarterback Dan Marino, Washington Guard Russ Grimm, New York Giants Linebacker Harry Carson, and Coke Commercial Jersey-Thrower L.C. Greenwood.
For those of you expecting me to predict the finish to the game, I’m sorry. I don’t know. But I do have some thoughts. Here’s the scoop on this year’s Super Bowl.
Over/Under numbers for Super Bowl XXXIX:
Total points scored: LXII
Players seeing playing time: LXXVIII
Number of food commercials: MMM
Times “Hall of Fame” is used in reference to Tom Brady: XVIII
Times “Hall of Fame” is used in reference to Bill Belichick: XIV
Times “Hall of Fame” is used in reference to Cris Collinsworth: I
Times “ankle injury” is used in reference to Terrell Owens: CVII
Times an announcer voices disgust over the actions of a player: III
Times an announcer voices disgust over the actions of a fan: IV
Times announcers voice disgust over a logo reading “Hummer” being superimposed over a camera shot a cheerleader: 0
Average jersey size for the linebackers: XXL
Hours of game time: III
Hours of pre-game shows: VIII
Average jersey size for the kickers: M
Times announcers will ignore the game’s action to plug the game’s storyline: XLII
Finally, number of points by which the Eagles lose: XXI
So, enjoy the football game. Enjoy the commercials. Enjoy the company. Enjoy the food. Enjoy the betting.
And by no means learn any lessons!
return to Commentary index
The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2005, Mark Wentz