Ship Shape for Sure
In doing so, I lost an hour of exercise a day. Sure, walking isn't the best exercise, but it sure beats sitting on a bus watching some guy clip his toenails.
You want proof? Check out my beer-type-belly. It's way too big and bouncy. Especially for a teetotaler. Oh, the irony! The irony!
So I decided to try biking to work. Well, that wasn't meant to be. I didn't want to bike downtown (not very bike-friendly), so I did a kind of bike-n-ride where I biked to a shuttle lot and hitched a ride to downtown. That ended up being about 25 total daily minutes of bicycle riding and then they tore up the bike trail I was using.
So, I had three options: 1) Continue letting my world-famous six-pack abs become a keg, 2) Bike to downtown and hope drivers patiently follow someone going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit, or 3) Join a health club.
I joined a health club.
Do not try this at home.
The first thing I did was hurt my back. I think the stair-climber thingamajig did it to me. It seems strange because usually is the part of stair climbing where you hurt your back is when you're carrying someone's washing machine from the basement out to the moving truck. This wasn't the case at the health club. When I was on the stair-climber, I only had to carry the dryer.
Speaking of dryers, before I joined the health club, I had never seen a dude use a hair dryer before. But there one guy was, drying and combing his dome. Oh yeah, and he was, to quote Beavis, "stark raving naked." Now, I know we're all adults. I know different people have different views on the naked body. But some folks are just uncomfortably comfortable with their birthday suits. One guy was telling another guy about his workout schedule and routine--while naked. This, ladies and gentlemen, just ain't right. Would you do that on the street? "Oh, I've started a fancy new workout program. Let me drop my drawers so I can tell you about it." I guess I've always found it true that nothing you tell me is too important for pants wearing.
Now, I will say that the folks working at the health club seem very friendly. I think I know why. You know all the stress that builds up in a work place. It just boils and stews until someone flips his or her lid. That can't happen in a health club. Number one, it is presumed that if you work in a health club you probably work out in the health club and exercise is supposed to be a great stress reliever. Second, they've probably have seen all of their same-gender co-workers in various levels of attire in the locker room. Now, I believe that there is nothing more liberating than the world knowing all of your bodily faults. Thus liberated, what couldn't you discuss with a co-worker? "Um, Fred, I've seen you and you've seen me in unfortunate states of dress. Because of this, I feel free to bring to your attention that you have something hanging from inside your nose." You just don't get that kind of dialogue when you only see folks in their business suits. No, sir.
Let me be clear on what I'm saying here. Sometimes communication is over-rated. There is no need, in my mind, for this kind of co-worker bonding. That thing hanging from my nose can wait until I notice it or that rude non-self-censoring-person nobody likes from accounting points it out to me.
There are certain things that help an out-of-shape person become outer-of-shape. Three of them are television watching, music listening, and reading-material reading. So, at the health club, they want to help you become in-of-shape. So what can you do while at the health club? Watch television, listen to music, and read reading material. Something really isn't adding up here. Of course, you're supposed to partaking of these activities WHILE exercising. So that helps. But you can see the people reading slow their activity down when they get to the interesting parts. I once saw a fellow asleep on the stationary bike. I took a listen to his headphones. NPR! That's no way to get in shape!
Okay, that last part didn't really happen. But you have to admit it's more difficult to concentrate on exercising when you're engaging in other activities. You don't? Well, then can we all agree that NPR is, among other things, sleep-inducing? That's what we in the public discourse biz call "common ground."
One of the things this health club wants us to do is to take a health assessment examination. So I did. There are several parts to the health assessment.
First, they check your heart rate. Mine's pretty good, except that you don't get a true reading unless you're lying in bed just after a full night's sleep. If you stand up, that increases heart activity; distorting the results. I was too embarrassed to ask if that was to be before or after landing when the alarm clock startles you awake. That's GOT to do something to the ol' ticker rate.
Second, they check the blood pressure. Mine's okay, but the medical society is soon changing the blood pressure norms. So, while I chart well now, once they change the norms, I'll be post-diagnosed with 7 heart attacks and death. That's unfortunate.
Third, they check the body composition, which is the ratio of muscle to fat. I'm doing pretty good for this. Not great, but, considering my workout regimen for about 8 months was watching some guy clip his toenails, I could be a lot worse.
Fourth, they check your aerobic capacity. I'm in good shape here. I don't really understand what this means, even after the fitness specialist explained it to me. Four times. Something about efficient use of large amounts of air or something. We think this is why I don't become out of breath when I'm working out. Or that could be because, while I use cardio machines, I watch television, listen to music, and read a book. And eat hoagies. My focus might not be there. We're not sure.
Fifth, and finally, they check your flexibility. I've got none. I don't even register. Apparently some joker replaced my regular hamstrings with Folger's coffee ... mugs. Or steel girders. Or something. However, if I do my daily stretchies, I may SOMEDAY be flexible enough to bend down to reach my hips. Here's hoping.
I've also hit the weight room; which is something I've never done before. I'm not into the free weights thing. I use those machine contraptions that appear to be a combination of sophomoric robots and medieval torture devices. Now I have muscles that are slightly more than non-existent! I don't know the names of the machines, so I've given them all nicknames: that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, and this one. Fear not, though. Even though almost all have the same name, they work different muscle groups.
So now I'm getting back to in-of-shape. It's a long and tedious process, causing less sleep and more muscle fatigue, but I'm giving it a whirl. The next time you see me, my in-of-shape appearance may result in your being in shock, but you also may not notice a change which may result in your being disappointed. I can't guarantee anything. Why?
Results may vary.
return to Commentary index
The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2003, Mark Wentz