Red Wing, Bad Knees, and Consumer Migration Patterns
There's more, though. Red Wing is right next to the Mississippi river--which is names as such because, even though the river doesn't begin or end in the state, Mississippi is one of about nine states which claim the Mississippi as a natural border. Sort of. Parts of Mississippi are on both sides of the river. There doesn't seem to be anything distinguishing Mississippi from the other states the river touches, but that's what they named the river. And everyone who owns stock in the letter "i" is very pleased.
We stayed at the St. James Hotel. According to the Red Wing's web site, the St. James is an "Elegant Victorian Hotel built in 1875 and restored in 1979. ... MasterCard, Visa, American Express, Discover, Carte Blanche and Diners Club accepted." Credit cards are vital in Red Wing as you can't swing a Mississippi barge without hitting a "quaint" shop--"quaint" meaning there isn't enough room in the store to swing a Mississippi barge. They love shoppers in Red Wing. The town motto is "Come for the barge swinging; stay for the shopping."
Have you ever seen the movie "The Three Amigos?" It stars Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, and Martin Short as, get this, three amigos. "Amigos" is a Spanish word meaning "idiots who wander through Mexican deserts in a huge black costumes." The fact they all survived the heat and were able to make the sequel ("Three Amigos and a Little Lady: The Search for Dr. Spock") is amazing!
In the movie, the three amigos save the village of Santo Poco from the evil El Guapo. To do this, they dress the villagers as amigos--huge black sombreros and all. When El Guapo enters the village, he sees the three amigos in a building and he shoots at them. But then three fake amigos are seen across the street. Then there are three more down the block. It's a veritable whirlwind of three amigos. Instead of deducing that all of these people were part of a cunning plot and planning accordingly, El Guapo simply became confused and ended up being shot.
In Red Wing, they don't have amigos; they have Pottery Place. You pull into the parking lot and you see a sign that says Pottery Place. Then you get out of the car, you see, across the lot, a sign reading Pottery Place. As you spin around in confusion, you see down the street where there is another sign reading Pottery Place. I became disoriented and fell on top of Jefe...er...Steffie.
Once, I discovered that the multiple stores were just a cunning plot, I was able to go into the stores with Stephanie and allow her to allow me to let her use my credit card. So we spent some time in the Pottery Place(s).
Four hours!
There is nothing worse on one's knees than shopping with someone. They start to get tired. They start to hurt. They start to buckle. You need to sit down. You can't! There is only one bench and it has four tired, pained, knee-buckled "shoppers" holding bags waiting for the credit card to come back! It's agony! That's why, an hour into shopping, the tag-alongs will request to go to the food court. That's the only place to sit! Now imagine four hours of this. It's amazing I can even walk now. I've heard of football players with career ending knee injuries saying, "Well, at least I'm not at Pottery Place!"
And it is just the person who's shopping with someone; never the actual shopper. A shopper can go for months on end, as long as there is a water fountain along the way. If you're with a shopper, you might as well kiss your knees goodbye after about 45 minutes (as always, results may vary).
I'm no doctor, so, naturally, I assume I know the cause of "shopping knees." When you're shopping, you're in charge and you're on your toes. It's just like walking down the street, except you're stopped by cash registers instead of "don't walk" signals. When you're WITH a shopper, you stand while the shopper walks around the store or the shopper goes to try things on. When the shopper moves on, you never know when he or she will stop or take a sudden turn. So, instead of walking with a normal gait, you walk with a reactive gait--in other words, flat-footed. More jolts to your knees and, as such, more pain.
So the key to ending shopping knees is a more aggressive gait. Instead of patiently adjusting to the shoppers' movement patterns, take a lead. When the shopper asks if you're done in the current store, don't just say "okay" and follow along to the next store. Shout out "You BET!" and run out to the car. Better yet, start the day aggressively. When the shopper asks if you want to go shopping, just replay "Nerds to you!" and go on watching cartoons. You'll get pressure sores on your backside, but your knees will feel fabulous!
Because you'll want fabulous knees if you ever go shopping in Red Wing.
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2001, Mark Wentz