The Names of the Game
However, another aspect was how names can be sources of beteasement. The example they gave was Mr. and Mrs. Eaton. Mr. Eaton wanted to name the boy Benjamin. Mrs. Eaton nixed the idea because everyone would call him Ben. Ben Eaton. Been eatin'.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to show my insensitive side.
I love sports drafts. NFL drafts, fantasy football drafts, fantasy baseball drafts. I even prepared for last years Major League Baseball and NBA drafts.
Unfortunately, I very rarely watch college sports so it's even more rare that I see the players in question. Even if I had seen them, I have no talent evaluation skills. So how do I decide whom I want on my favorite teams' or fantasy teams' rosters? I rank players by how cool their names are.
For my fantasy baseball team this year, I was able to draft 18 of my top 22 ranked players. Normally, you could expect 2 or 3 of the top 22. I'm no draft genius. It just that no one else had ranked high, for example, a certain pitcher named Grant Balfour. Now how can you have a fantasy baseball roster without a pitcher named Grant Balfour (Grant Ball Four)? I also drafted John Lackey because my brother-in-law is unnaturally fond of the word lackey. One player that didn't make my roster was one Tim Spooneybarger. Now how cool a name is that? Tim.
For those of you who wonder if it is poor form to pick a fantasy roster by something other than quality of play since other people's rosters depend partly on mine, I have this to say: Number one, I chose the "casual" setting as opposed to the "out for blood" level of competition. Number two, the rules state that each transaction must be made in an effort to improve the team. Each addition to my team improved the team in that a team with no players isn't really very good.
It all started, I guess, when I started watching football. For some reason I needed a favorite player. (We live in a crazy time where everything has to be ranked: best, worst, favorite, least favorite, numerical rankings, etc.) Again, I have no ability to judge athletic talent; nor have I met any of the players to know them from Adam. But that doesn't stop me. So I went down the Vikings roster. Didn't take me long. "Hmm... Rufus. Rufus Bess. Now that's a name you don't see very often." So Rufus Bess became my favorite player.
So jump to April 2003. The NFL holds its annual player draft. Among the options are Boss Bailey, Curry Burns (darn right, it does), and Tron LaFavor. So whom do the Vikings choose? Kevin Williams. This just ain't right. They got stronger with Nate Burleson and Onterrio Smith. But the Vikings were no match for, say, the Raiders with Justin Fargas (Huggy Bear's son), Shurron Pierson, Siddeeq Shabazz, Nnamdi Asomugha, and Teyo Johnson (even though that one is only fun when you imagine Ed McMahon announcing it).
The fun ones, like Curry Burns, are the noun/verb or the verb/noun combinations. This year we have Philip Rivers. A great name to fill-up the stands in Pittsburgh; if "Rivers" were a popular nickname for Three Rivers Stadium. It isn't. In fact, they tore down Three Rivers Stadium and built a new stadium. So Philip Rivers would have been a great pick for Pittsburgh 10 years ago. Except that no one called the stadium "Rivers." And Pittsburgh would have been drafting a 13-year-old. The Steelers would have been robbing the cradle on that one.
Now that you know my draft strategy, let's open Ye Olde Parcel Satchel:
Dear Mark, My team is looking for a "can do" kind of player. Whom should it draft?
How about Obby Khan? "Who can do this?" "Obby Khan" (Plus, The Force is with him.)
My favorite team has a complex defense but needs a player who can make an immediate impact. What player is quick to catch on to ideas and strategies?
Take the linebacker from Michigan. Why? Because Claude Diggs.
My team's defensive line has underachieved. What player is out there who can make the opponent's quarterback a bit nervous?
Linebacker Patrick Durr is the choice for you. QBs will certainly be listening for the pitter Pat Durr of his feet.
My favorite team's offensive line gave up a lot of sacks last year and is looking for a good offensive lineman. What offensive lineman had not given up a sack all of last year?
Rex Hadnot: he's the one from Houston.
My team is from California and a lot of players take a while to get used to the California lifestyle. Is there a player who is used to the wacky scene in California?
Yep, the linebacker from Minnesota. He's Ben West.
My team is very conscious about technique and practices until the play is perfect. That's not for everyone. What player won't get bored with repetition?
I see, I see. Go with Brad Lekkerkerker.
Man, our punter is bad. We need a punter who will down the ball inside the ten yard line. Whom should I pick?
Well, Ryan Downes them.
My team can't seem to kick the ball through the uprights. What should they do?
Move the uprights closer. Ha ha. On a serious note, I suggest the placekicker from Iowa. I know it is unusual to draft a kicker, but I'm Nate Kaeding here!
Jeff Smoker is a good quarterback, but I rarely hear his name mentioned as a potential high draft choice. What's the knock on him?
Jeff Smoker can only play outdoor games.
What player is best suited for Minnesota?
Vick King
How about running backs? Any good ones to draft?
Well, Renaldo Works. Also, Florida Ran Carthon, and they did pretty well.
The 49ers keep stealing players that would fit in with the Cowboys. Which player is well suited for both teams that Cowboy fans should worry about?
Dusty McGrorty
So, then, whom do you suspect to be Mr. Irrelevant, the last player selected in the draft?
Mark Jones, Wide receiver from Tennessee. Yawn.
So there you have it. You're all prepared for the NFL draft. May your team draft the sleepers and may the Packers draft the sleepy!
Well, it's time to go back from Wentz I came; Mark my words.
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2004, Mark Wentz