My Ballot for Annoying Football Moments





Well, the football season is once again upon us. As my wife said when I informed her of this fact, ... well, I not sure I should print my wife's reaction. And I didn't know she used to be a sailor. But I'm looking forward to the new season. I'll be parked on the couch on September 4th, 9:00 (8:00 central) for some football. Just try to pry me away.

Or, if you don't want me to watch, just have the announcers do some stupid announcer-type things--things during the game that annoy me. Here's part of the list:

  • Chummy announcers. Okay, I like the announcers to have a good rapport. But sometimes it just plain goes weird. They start acting like playful jabs and self-deprecation allows the viewer at home to think of the commentators as folksy and free-spirited. It doesn't. It makes them look like they're trying too hard or like they are idiots. It's getting to the point where I wouldn't be surprised to hear the following exchange:
    Announcer: You're a loser.
    Color commentator: Ha ha ha. Look who's talking!
    Announcer: Hee hee. Yeah, I'm a pretty big loser.
    Yes, you both are. Now be quiet.

  • "This telecast is brought to you by ..." ads. What is this? NPR? I don't want ads that are ads but aren't ads where you can leave to ransack the refrigerator. It's just not fair.

  • No replay on a big play. It seems like at least once every game there will be a monumental play and for some reason they don't show the replay. Or a big play will be called back because of a penalty, but they won't show you the replay of the penalty. If my team loses a touchdown because there's a penalty, I want to see for myself that there was a penalty. Sometimes they don't show the replay because they're doing their NPR ads.
    "He's at the ten, the five, TOUCHDOWN!! Oh, there's a penalty on the play. Will Herb get that doughnut he's been after for the last 7 seasons? It might happen this week. Tune in on Thursday at 8:00 for a very special episode of the hit series Herb's Doughnut Experience! Second and 15 at the 45 yard line. McGullay takes the snap ..."
    Sometimes they just don't show the replay. Sometimes I just switch to another game. Coincidence?

  • Sideline reporters. In a lot of games, the networks will put reporters on the sidelines. (I guess I could have just said the term "sideline reporters" is self-explanatory. Sorry.) They wouldn't be so bad if they stuck to sideline news--like injury reports or coaches reactions to recent plays. However, most of the time it seems like they're just there for fluff stories:
    "This is Harriet on the sidelines. Cincinnati Bengals lineman Mike Goff's grandmother is in Bloomington, Indiana tonight accepting an award from the American Shuffleboard Association. I spoke to him before the game and he said he's very proud of her. I guess athletics just run in the family. Back to you, Murray."
    Number 1, great. Number 2, did you really need to report that from the sidelines? Couldn't you be in the booth for that one? Number 3, you spoke to him before the game; couldn't you have told us this when the commentators were talking about it just before the game started? Number 4, or when the studio talking heads were talking about it during the pregame show? Number 5, or when every newspaper, sports show, and sports web site did a story on it during the week? Anyway, congratulations to Mike Goff's grandmother, even though I made the entire award up for a hypothetical fluff sideline report. I hear that Mike is very proud of her.

  • Announcers telling us what stadium they're in. This may have been nice in the old days when the arenas had actual names. Now a stadium is just a billboard with a playground and seating. Who cares? Besides, the name will probably change by halftime anyway. Just telling us the name of the city is fine, thank you.

  • How about those clowns who think that just because they write or talk about sports they have some sort of inside track on football and give you their predictions? Here are mine. I normally don't reveal my formula for these predictions, but today I'll spill the beans. I'm ranking them alphabetically based on the revamped alphabet California is using for the governor recall ballot. Sneaky, eh?

    AFC WEST
    Oakland Raiders
    Denver Broncos
    San Diego Chargers
    Kansas City Chiefs

    AFC EAST
    New York Jets
    Buffalo Bills
    New England Patriots
    Miami Dolphins

    AFC NORTH
    Baltimore Ravens
    Cleveland Browns
    Cincinnati Bengals
    Pittsburgh Steelers

    AFC SOUTH
    Jacksonville Jaguars
    Tennessee Titans
    Dallas Texans
    Indianapolis Colts

    NFC NORTH
    Minnesota Vikings
    Chicago Bears
    Green Bay Packers
    Detroit Lions

    NFC EAST
    Washington
    New York Giants
    Dallas Cowboys
    Philadelphia Eagles

    NFC SOUTH
    Tampa Bay Buccaneers
    New Orleans Saints
    Carolina Panthers
    Atlanta Falcons

    NFC WEST
    St. Louis Rams
    Seattle Seahawks
    Arizona Cardinals
    San Francisco 49ers

    AFC Wildcard Playoffs
    Jaguars over Broncos
    Jets over Browns

    NFC Wildcard Playoffs
    Vikings over Saints
    Buccaneers over Bears

    AFC Division Playoffs
    Ravens over Jets
    Raiders over Jaguars

    NFC Divisional Playoffs
    Rams over Buccaneers
    Washington over Vikings

    AFC Championship Game
    Ravens over Raiders

    NFC Championship Game
    Rams over Washington

    Super Bowl XXX-something
    Rams 25 over Ravens 42 (How's that spelled again?)

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to see if Herb gets the doughnut tonight!

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    The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.

    mark@wentzmania.com.

    © 2003, Mark Wentz