Start Spreading the News: I Don't Hate New York
When Stephanie, my wife, told me we were going to New York, I wasn't thrilled. I've never had a desire to go to New York. We've all seen Law & Order. There are always murders going on there. It also has a reputation of being chock full of muggers. Crowded streets, angry people, run-you-down traffic.
What was my point again? Oh, yeah. I like New York.
I realize that I'm supposed to LOVE New York. Ever since the terrorist attacks, New York has been romanticized. So much so that, when told that New York was named Most Polite City (or something like that), Mayor Guiliani responded with "What were they smoking?" At least that's how I remember it. Unfortunately, my fact-checker has not reported to work since I never hired one. But the good people of the United States have put New York on an exaggerated pedestal.
Certainly, New York has shown itself to be resilient and patriotic, but that doesn't wipe away all the concerns one has when traveling to New York.
Flip-flopping wishy-washiness aside, I welcomed the opportunity to go to one of the most famous cities in the world. A person just can't pass that up.
So we went to New York.
Day 1: Our celebrity spotting started early. We were in the Minneapolis airport when Stephanie saw Prince ride by on one of the airport cart things. I missed him. Go figure.
We arrived at LaGuardia and needed a ride to the hotel. We called for one of the shuttle vans. THIS was an experience. I learned one of the two keys to driving in New York: swerve. When you want to change lanes in busy traffic, swerve toward that lane. It scares the driver next to you so he or she will slow down. Then you can ease into that lane smoothly. It seemed to work. Our driver did that several times and it worked each time. (The second key, I later learned, was “When in doubt, honk your horn.”)
When you get to the hotel, find the masseuse. With the swerving, slamming on the brakes, and rocket acceleration, you're vertebrae will become non-vertical. You need to get them back in place so you can walk around the town. Which we did.
We weren't far from Times Square. As we were pushing our way through the crowds, Stephanie saw Dedrich Bader from the Drew Carey Show. (Notice STEPHANIE saw Bader and Prince. I'm blind, clueless, and dumb.) After that, we wandered around a bit, had an expensive meal, bought a pretzel, and went to the hotel.
This was on May 11th. This is important because the Ziegfeld (or whatever) Theatre is right next to our hotel. We looked out our hotel window and saw a bunch of tents on the sidewalk across the way. Turns out, the new Star Wars flick was coming out on May 16th (or whenever). They decided to camp out to wait for the opening. I decided to wait to watch the movie until after it had a chance to air out after having people who may not have showered for a week or so sit in it. Yeech!
The day ended with a travel ritual of mine. A trip is not a trip unless I forget to bring something. I forget belts, shoes, ties, etc. This time I forgot two dress shirts. I had the dress pants, but not the shirts. So if anyone reading this saw a person with dress pants but not a dress shirt, it may have been me. Glad to meet you!
Day 2: This was our walking tour day. Naturally, it was a bit dreary and rainy.
Stephanie and I are the Drizzly Duo. No matter where we go, it ends up cloudy and rainy. Seattle, London, Ireland, Paris, Vienna, Yellowstone, Charleston, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Wall Drug. New York was in a massive drought. We show up and it starts raining. This is more than just coincidence. If you're in an area that needs some rain. For a modest fee, we'll show up and it will rain. (Results may vary.)
Our day's travel started walking down 5th Avenue to FAO Schwartz. Stephanie wanted Star Wars merchandise. (I think she secretly wished she had brought her tent.) The toys didn't meet her satisfaction, so we left.
There's a little place in New York you might have heard of. Central Park. "Little" may not be the right word for it, since it is HUGE. It's about 60 avenue blocks long and 3 street blocks wide. In Manhattan, blocks along avenues are different than blocks along streets. Avenue blocks are normal sized. Blocks along streets are about 26 miles long. Sometimes longer. Anyway, Central Park is a wonderful oasis. It's a day's adventure in itself (and in its rain).
We wandered almost immediately to the Central Park Zoo. They should have called it Rufus Zoo because the spirit of our cat Rufus seemed to be everywhere. First was the sea lion exhibit. The sea lions were interacting with the crowd--begging for attention and expecting food. After a while, one ended up on a big rock near the center of the tank. It looked around for a second. Puzzled, it noticed no one was paying attention to it. Naturally, it dove into the water and came out near the tank edge--gladly accepting adulation and cheers. That's Rufus. In the penguin exhibit there was a penguin that just swam back and forth really fast. Rufus sprints back and forth through our house. The big difference in the penguin exhibit was that nothing ended up crashing to the floor. Then we went past a pond with swimming black neck swans. In the center was a bit of a rock island with a small family of monkeys. The young monkey was just a lil' stinker. It would test limits wherever it went. First, it splashed water at momma monkey. Mom looked none too pleased, but nothing major happened. Then the young monkey went near the water. The swans wanted none of it. They scolded the monkey and bit at it and squawked. The young monkey (just like Rufus does when Gonzo squawks) shrugged with bewilderment and went down the shoreline a bit. The geese followed and the exchange exchanged again. This kept on until finally papa monkey came down to the shoreline and the monkeys and geese had a bit of a shout. That pretty much ended it, but the geese kept a close eye on the young monkey. Just like with Gonzo and Rufus. I felt at home at Central Park.
While I agree that Central Park is amazing, it is also simply a maze. Paved trails go every which way. That's fine, except they have very few directional signs. Even if you know what is in Central Park, you have no idea how to get there. Worse yet, once you’re there you’re not certain where you are. (I not sure if this still follows my “I felt at home at Central Park” theme.)
After we left the zoo, we meandered a bit through the park. A ways to our left was a big metal tree. We were curious about it, but decided to look for it again later. (This was before we realized how Central Park can be confusing.) Stephanie wanted to see Tavern on the Green. It would be days before we saw the metal tree again. So we meandered a bit more, not knowing where we were or where we were going or what we were seeing. We did make it to Strawberry Fields and some big castle/tower thing. Finally, we were at the Metropolitan Art Museum. Seeing this Museum was as exhilarating as seeing Central Park. Yes, it had great works of art. Yes, it had informative historical descriptions. That’s nothing to people who have been meandering through a wonderful park for a few hours. The best part about the museum to people who have been meandering through a wonderful park for a few hours is that it has restrooms. Whew! What a, um, relief! As far as the artwork, the only painting I really noticed was one, I believe by Monet, which was amazingly dark while being amazingly bright. I have no clue how you make something dark and bright at the same time, but this artist did just that.
So we found the park, we found the zoo, we found Strawberry Fields, and we found the museum. Then we found our way back to the hotel.
We had nothing else planned for the day so we went to dinner and a movie. Yes, we traveled to New York City to go to a movie: Spiderman.
Actually, I’m a big fan of movies in other cities. I learned this while Stephanie and I were in the long-distance phase of our relationship. A movie theatre is about the only neutral ground in any city. In Rochester, St. Louis, Lexington, or New York, a movie theatre is a movie theatre. You can’t tell where you are by the inside of the movie theatre. It becomes a safety zone. Sometimes that’s nice in a strange place.
Anyway, after Spiderman, we walked back to the hotel. While recollecting the day’s events in my notepad, I made a few observations about New York. First, there are a lot of one-plex theatres in New York. That’s something I had associated only with small towns. Now, you’re half-hearted if you build less than a ten-plex.
Second, a lot of dining establishments have no seating--especially delis. That seems strange to me. I like to have the option of eating when I buy food. But I suppose it makes sense in a city full of street venders selling hot dogs, pretzels, nuts, bagels, fruit, and gyros. Plus, I have to admit it doesn’t make sense to sit in a restaurant when you can walk a few blocks and eat in Central Park (which Stephanie and I did a few times). So I’ll forgive them.
Third, I saw a few beggars in New York. There have been a couple in Rochester. They’ll ask for a dollar. I saw several more in my other travels. Until New York, the funniest one was in Seattle. A guy asked us for money and we said no. He replied with “But I’ve got a broken arm” and showed his arm to us. In New York, one guy asked us for money: “Change? Cash? Checks? Credit cards?” Right, I’m going to give you my credit card.
After that, it was time to rest for the next day.
Day 3: Our official tour day. We actually paid to go on a bus to see the sights of Manhattan. It was one of those open-top double-decker buses. You sit on top of the bus so you don’t have walls or a ceiling to block your view. For the next part, you’re going to think we’re complete idiots. Therefore, I want to explain something first. New York is, in some ways, Texas North. Texas prides itself on being big. Farms are big. Buildings are big. Trucks are big. Belt buckles are big! New York is the same way. Central Park is big. The Statue of Liberty is big. The buildings are big. The big buildings are big. The small buildings are big. The bill for a sandwich is big. So when I tell you that we sat on the top of one of the tour buses to see the huge buildings, you’ll understand. When I tell you that we sat on top of one of the tour buses to see the huge buildings DURING A DAYLONG RAIN STORM, will you understand? Maybe not, but that’s what we did. You just can’t see New York from inside a bus; you must sit on top. So we did.
I believe we were more concerned with the weather than sightseeing because I can’t remember a single thing the tour guide said except that those of us on top of the bus shouldn’t stand up. But we saw a lot. That is, until my eyewear became covered with raindrops. The bus stopped at Battery Park and we got off to take a boat to Liberty Island. After an hour or two of touring, it was exhilarating to be on that boat. It had restrooms.
The boat took us to Liberty Island, which is the home of the Statue of Liberty. With the deterioration of the statue and the continued threat of terrorism, we couldn’t go into the statue. In fact, the only thing we could do was walk around it and go into the gift shop and snack bar. We hear a lot about the first two amendments to the constitution; the two about free speech and guns. One we don’t hear so often is the 7th, which is, of course, gift shops and snack bars MUST stay open. (Or was that the 7th commandment?)
Then we took a boat to Ellis Island to learn about what people had to go through once they got to the United States. It was pretty intense stuff. They had mental, physical, and other examinations to make certain they were fit to enter the United States and make certain they wouldn’t be a burden on the system. Two percent were sent back. Imagine traveling all that way, surviving the trip, standing in line for hours, and being told to go back to a life that provoked the trip in the first place. It makes you appreciate how fortunate you are to be here in the first place. (Now if only we could get the taxes lowered here, it’d be great!)
After that, we huddled-massed our way back to the mainland. Before we got on the bus, we walked over to “Ground Zero.” That, I felt, was the most important part of the trip. Our friend Barb told us to look at the buildings around it and realize there are supposed to be two buildings in the middle twice that size. It seems like you could fit the entire of downtown Rochester in any New York building. Double that. Then double that. Essentially, seemingly four downtown Rochesters were destroyed. That only touches on the property destruction. It doesn’t include the loss of lives and the loss of security. As vague as was my description of the loss of property, it’s impossible to describe the rest. Fortunately, from the rescue workers who rushed into burning buildings and died, to the people who passed buckets to sift through the ruins, to each person who taped a paper flag to a picture window, this was also one of the United States’ most shining portraits. Much like that Monet painting, this was one of our darkest moments and one of our brightest moments at once. Unlike the single-artist painting, however, a few artists provided the dark moments while millions of other artists painted over the darkness with some bright colors.
Then we went back to sitting on top of the bus in a rainstorm like a couple of idiot tourists. Learn from those who make mistakes, you don’t realize how fast the bus is going until you open an umbrella. Finally, the tour ended.
We decided--or should I say the librarian among us decided--that we should go to the New York Public Library. I wasn’t overly impressed with it. Maybe that was because I couldn’t find the restroom. I think we discovered the most important attraction in any expedition. Next time, we’ll just go to a travel agent and ask which destination has the most restrooms.
After walking back to the hotel in the rain and putting on dry clothes, we went back out to go to the theatre. (Naturally, it didn’t rain a drop after we got into the theatre.) That night’s entertainment was a musical called Phantom of the Opera. It’s about an opera house containing a phantom that has an obsessive crush on a singer. Whoopdee-doo!
We walked back to the hotel and I wrote recollections in my notepad. Just one major comment on the day.
Remember WKRP in Cincinnati? Remember the Armistice Day/Veteran’s Day episode with Les Nessman in the airplane and the city’s citizens had to honk their horns or the pilot would crash the airplane and Les Nessman would be killed? Well, New York City seems to live in perpetual fear that Les Nessman is flying overhead. Everywhere you go, the dominant sound is car honking. Please, for the love of my ears, knock it off. New York, WKRP is a fictional show from 20 years ago. Les is not in any danger. It’s okay! Go back to building big things. Thank you.
Day 4: Stephanie actually had conference sessions today. But, first, we had breakfast. We wandered around a bit and found this hole-in-the-wall called Au Bon Pain. It was several blocks from the hotel, but was nice enough that I came back to pick up lunch--which Stephanie and I ate in Central Park. We took a few pictures of our view: trees and lawns contrasted by a skyscraper background. Yes, we are tourists.
That night we tried a vegetarian restaurant called the Zen Palate. It’s a nice restaurant that seemed to fit a pattern we had seen a lot in New York. A lot of the local restaurants (as opposed to chains) seemed to have more workers than tables. I’m not sure how they make money, but they were in business. Kudos!
We were originally supposed to see a “Stage to Screen Workshop” featuring questions and answers with Reese Witherspoon and Colin Firth--the blokes who star in The Importance of Being Earnest. (In theatres everywhere.) Unfortunately, it was cancelled. Fortunately, we found out before we went there. Stephanie was disappointed, and, surprisingly, so was I.
After getting full from dinner, we went to see the Broadway musical production of The Full Monty. It would have been fine if it weren’t a musical. There are some movies you don’t make into musicals without destroying them. The Full Monty is one. There are worse ones. For instance, you wouldn’t make a musical of The Ten Commandments or Schindler’s List. The Full Monty isn’t that serious, but it still isn’t a good one for a musical.
This fulfilled my theatre quota for the trip. I survived. Whew!
Day 5: Another day of conference sessions for Stephanie. We went to Au Bon Pain for breakfast again. And I went back and got us some lunch again, which we ate in Central Park, again.
After her sessions, Stephanie and I went to a taping of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We lined up about 75 minutes before they opened the doors at 5:45. Then they gave us a five-minute introduction speech. Then they seated us. A warm-up act came out and made us laugh. Lewis Black came out and made us laugh harder for five minutes.
When we decided to go to New York, Stephanie suggested we try to get tickets for the Daily Show since it is one of our favorite television programs. You have to love a program with a slogan “When news breaks … we fix it!” We chose a Wednesday because that was when Lewis Black usually gives his commentary. He’s pretty funny, so we didn’t want to miss him. We didn’t realize we’d be doubly fortunate that we’d get to see him perform his comedy AND get a performance before the show. Thanks, Lewis.
After Lewis Black left, Jon Stewart came out and chatted with the audience for about five minutes. (This is definitely a television program because everything they did was in five-minute increments.) Jon answered questions and everyone laughed. Sadly, he informed us the night’s interview was taped earlier. The show itself isn’t aired live. We were taped and they taped the interview even earlier. Let this be a lesson: when they tell you “This program was pre-recorded,” they ain’t kidding! Anyway, we enjoy Jon’s interviews because they are smart and witty. When we were told he wouldn’t be doing one, I was a bit saddened. Moreover, the interview was supposed to be with Rupert Everett. He’s in The Importance of Being Earnest. So, during our trip to New York, we were supposed to see three of the movie’s four stars in person. We ended up seeing none of them. Apparently, being earnest isn’t as important to them as they would have us believe. Hmmm.
Without the interview and no senior-correspondent sketch, the taping was only twenty minutes. We had been there over two and one-half hours for a twenty-minute taping. It was worth it, but it could have been MORE worth it, if you ask me. I don’t have to tell you what the best part was: the studio has restrooms.
One footnote about the show. We received a letter with our tickets. You’d think a nationally televised network would have high-tech procedures and semi-professional correspondence. Nope. The “letter” we received had the appearance of a combination windshield flyer and ransom note. They had taken the basic instructions for attendance and pasted the directions to get to the studio to it and photo copied it. The name, date, and number of requested tickets were written in pen. I’m not expecting a notarized letter from the president on official letterhead, but at least limit yourself to one or two font sources.
After the taping, we went to Luigi’s for some mom & pop pizza. I’d heard of New York being a specific style of pizza, so, being a pizza fanatic, I wanted to try some. Maybe I had misheard or maybe I went to the wrong place, but I didn’t notice much difference in New York pizza other than the price. But I certainly enjoyed the pizza. To quote an entertainment icon, “Mmmm … pizza!”
We meandered over to Rockefeller Plaza after that. It’s a pleasant area. We just sat there enjoying the atmosphere in a delightful evening. I noticed something. Looking past a mosaic of buildings, there was the moon. I wouldn’t think you could see the moon through the skyline of New York. With building over building over building, I wouldn’t think there would be a piece of the sky showing. But there was. And the moon was in that piece. I thought it would make a great picture, but by the time I got my act together, the moon had moved behind a building. Oh well, it was certainly a wonderful sight anyway. (Even though, to my knowledge, the moon does NOT have restrooms.)
Day 6: We did not go to Au Bon Pain for breakfast or lunch. We went to some diner for breakfast. Then Stephanie had some early sessions but the afternoon was free.
It was the last full day on our trip. When possible, I like to end a trip at the place we started. I like to give myself a moment, at the end of the hustle and bustle of a trip, to meditate on the anxiety and mystery of the beginning of the trip with the perspective of hindsight. On our first day of touring, we went to FAO Schwartz and then to Central Park. So we spent the last afternoon of our trip going to FAO Schwartz and Central Park. Between FAO Schwartz and Central Park, I think I saw John Madden. Since this was the only spontaneous celebrity sighting for me, I think I’m going to write a play about it: The Importance of Being John Madden. Take THAT, Rupert, Reese, and Colin!
The weather was great so the park was busy. We sat and people-watched for a while. We finally saw that big metal tree again. Unfortunately, there was no plaque telling us the deal on why there was a big metal tree there. The world may never know. Or, if the world did know, it certainly wasn’t sharing the information. Then we walked around Central Park for a while. Then we sat and watched some softball games on the fields in the park. It was fun, relaxing, and New York. Ahhh!
A side note to today: Remember my story about the people lined up waiting to see Star Wars? Well, if I had just looked a little further, I would have seen that there was an Au Bon Pain about a block away. That would have saved a lot of walking during our trip. I’ll remember that next time; unless I forget.
Day 7: We went home.
This was a good thing. Although I enjoyed New York, sometime along the way I got tired of New York. I have several possible reasons why that may have happened. One was that I just got fed up with fighting traffic at every intersection. Nearly being run down by cars and trucks gets old after a while, I guess. The second possibility is that my mood was ruined when I found out that the White House had been selling September 11 souvenirs. As pathetic as it is for them to sell photos of the President on the phone taking orders from Dick Cheney, it’s even more pathetic that I would let that ruin my trip to New York. I apologize to New York. The third is that our scheduled events ended on day 5. When your events end, it is time to go home. I guess I spent a day flustered because it was time to go home. The fourth possibility is some combination of possibilities one through three. Whatever the case, I was glad to be back in my own house.
It has a restroom.
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2002, Mark Wentz