200,000 Years of Flame-Broiled Fun!

200,000 Years of Flame-Broiled Fun!

Did Neanderthals have holidays? That question has been plaguing archeologists for centuries. Recent evidence points the answer to "yes." No, archeologists didn't use a ouija board (THIS time).

In fact, archeologists didn't conclude this at all.

I did.

Let me explain. What is it that people do on holidays? They gather with families. And what do they do with families? They eat. And what do they eat? Hamburgers. And how do they prepare hamburgers? Flame-broiled on a barbecue.

Thus, it would be easy to conclude that if it's a barbecue, it's a holiday!

Recently, archeologists discovered a "200,000-year-old barbecue pit." How'd they know it was a barbecue pit? They found traces of carbon and carbonized bones of deer and other animals. How'd they know it was 200,000 years old? I don't know. Maybe there was a 197999 BC New York Yankees' pocket schedule near the pit. (What besides baseball does one discuss at a barbecue?)

Personally, I think they are hiding evidence from us. I think they probably also found a chef's apron with "Hot Dog! It's Burger Time!" printed on it. Perhaps, nearby, there is an empty can of lighter fluid--which, of course, is probably near a gasoline can. Strewn about the area, if my calculations are correct, should be dozens of used matches. (Which is also roughly the same as the number of beer bottles thrown into a nearby recycle bin--with just enough leftover beer in it to create a cloud of stale beer fumes.)

Scientists plan to use this information to study the spread of fire through prehistoric society. Seems pretty simple to me. Just follow the prehistoric cigarette butts.

No doubt that during these prehistoric barbecues, the Neanderthals were lighting up, watching the kids have water fights (using water spears). Much to chagrin of prehistoric Woodsy Owl, they probably just threw the cigarette butts on the ground. A little dry grass and twigs, and soon you'll have fire spreading all right. (No wonder early hominids were nomads.)

So, next holiday, enjoy your barbecue. It won't be a whole lot different than what the Neanderthals were doing 200,000 years ago: dead animal burgers, beer, water fights, etc. But please learn from their mistakes.

Make certain the fire is completely out before you pack up and go home.

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