Mom Always Said I Was a Gem!

Mom Always Said I Was a Gem!

As any good married couple would do, my wife and I have had discussions about what to do if one of us should die. For some reason, Stephanie gets really into the discussion. I'm glad to know that communication is so important to her. She's even made sure that I have plenty of life insurance at the ready in case, as she puts it, "God smiles on ol' Stephanie!" No, no, she's never actually said that -- to my face.

Besides finances, a concern is what to do with the body. Catholicism strongly encourages burial of the body. Other options include cremation or burial at sea. Letting the dearly departed rot in the basement is often frowned upon, mostly by neighbors. One guy was even put in a tomb, got up three days later, wandered around the countryside, and then was lifted into heaven.

Not all of us can do that.

For those of us who can't pull off the resurrection bit, I've wandered upon the next best thing: Lifegems!

What they do is they cremate your loved one's body, put the carbon remains under intense pressure, and, wha-la, you've got yourself a diamond. (I'm not sure where "life" fits into the name, but there it is.)

This is PERFECT for anyone named Dave because it seems like every Dave I know is referred to as Diamond Dave. Need proof? Okay. There is Diamond Dave, Diamond Dave, Diamond Dave, and, who can forget, Diamond Dave. Also, Diamond Dave, Diamond Dave, and Famous Dave. Oops! Until they make barbecue sauce out of your loved ones, Famous Dave isn't important. Sorry about that.

But, for those of us not named Dave, there aren't a whole lot of plusses to this. Imagine the following exchange:

"Hi Harriet! Say, nice diamond earrings!"
"Oh, thank you. They're my parents."

So, then you have a person who thinks that Harriet is loony. After all, only a candidate for psychiatric help would believe she was the offspring of two diamonds. So then Harriet explains that the diamonds were made from the remains of her parents.

Insane or ghoulish: the choice is yours!

Really, I don't think you can give the gem's origin and still be considered part of normal society.

People seem concerned about people dying without leaving a legacy. Some donate money to charity. Some build mausoleums. Some may want to crush their loved ones into semi-real gemstones that they will later accidentally drop down the sink drain. Some actually work hard during their natural lives in order to leave a positive lasting impression in society, memory, and history. But, hey, there are good memorials; there are bad memorials. At a certain point with some of these, you simply have to ask, "Have you ever heard of something called a photo album?"

Of course, I've made Stephanie promise that, when I die, our home will be torn down and replaced with a 40-foot high statue of me with a gift shop underneath. I want my legacy to be "Mark is dead" postcards, key chains, and snow-globe paperweights. The monument's slogan would be "He Would Have Wanted It This Way." I'm sure Stephanie will follow through on this.

But there is good news for those who feel the need to put their deceased loved ones in their ears or on metal settings for fingers but are afraid of fraudulent jewels. Lifegems, like any quality collectables advertised by inserts in the Sunday paper, are certified. This may be the only appropriate aspect of them. Why?

Anyone who would partake in this is certifiable!

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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.

mark@wentzmania.com.