How Art Thou Liberal? Let Me Count the Ways





I was watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart one time. The guest was some conservative guy. The guest spent a little time saying how George W. Bush is NOT conservative. The guest also mentioned that Jon Stewart was liberal. Jon was surprised at that. The guest responded, “You voted for John Kerry, didn’t you?” Apparently, that’s all it takes.

Certainly, not all conservatives are as dopey as this guy, but my experience says enough are. I especially like the folks who take issue with one sentence from the day’s edition and condemn the entire newspaper as liberal. Sometimes attaching “agenda.” They should make a sitcom out of it: “Liberal . . . With an Agenda!”

Apparently, there is a whole set of criteria to become a Conservative, but it only take one belief or opinion to be liberal. So, with homage to Jeff Foxworthy’s (or whoever invented it) “You might be a redneck” bit, I give you “You ARE a Liberal!”

  • If you voted for John Kerry, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you’re from the Northeast, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you’re in the media, you ARE a Liberal. (I’m looking at you Limbaugh, O’Reilly, and Dobson!)
  • If you’ve ever drank a latte, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you’ve ever seen a Barbra Streisand movie, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you’ve never said, “Michael Moore should be shot,” you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe the Bible says stuff other than hate gays and ban abortions, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you there is any problem that higher taxes can help solve, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you don’t believe “liberal” is an insult, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe that participating in your child’s education means more than blaming the teacher and changing schools, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe Al Franken would make a better senator than would Kenneth Lay, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe that a business (even a big one) that puts its workers or customers in harm’s way should be held accountable (even by lawsuit), you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you’ve ever viewed “the liberal web site,” as my nephew call it, you ARE a Liberal. (I don’t know what he was talking about, either.)
  • If you believe that reforming Social Security should actually close its future financial gap, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you have an “agenda,” you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you suggest George W. Bush is not God, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you still have a Wellstone! bumper sticker on your car, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you still have a Wellstone! bumper sticker on your car purchased 2003 or later, dude, I don’t know what you are!
  • If you believe balancing the budget includes taking in at least as much money as you spend, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe folks on welfare just might be there for some reason other than laziness, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe folks sometimes file for bankruptcy for a reason other than getting free stuff, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe that erosion helped create the Grand Canyon, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you don’t think $5.15 an hour is enough to cover food, clothing, shelter, transportation, healthcare, daycare, retirement investing, private schooling, college, and the latest album from an American Idol winner, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you’ve ever “Borked” someone, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe Unions are responsible for 40 hour weeks, higher wages, benefits, workplace safety, and pro-union bumper stickers for the utility carts that maintenance people push around, you ARE a Liberal.
  • If you believe Christians, whites, and males are not the top three in the list of victims of discrimination in the USA, you ARE a Liberal.

    If you fit any one of those descriptions, you are a liberal. But the interesting thing is something I’ve picked up from reading conservative columnists in the newspaper (of which there aren’t any because being in the newspaper would, by definition, make them liberal). It seems that while it only takes fitting one of those descriptions makes a person a liberal, once you’re labeled a liberal it is fair to assume you agree with ALL of those descriptions and many, many more. It was very interesting having George Will tell me what I believe based on the fact I was voting for Kerry. I don’t spend a lot of time taking George Will and his ilk seriously anymore.

    So, that’s my jab for the day at those who heckle liberals. I hope you got a chuckle or two from it.

    If you did, you ARE a Liberal.

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    The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.

    mark@wentzmania.com.

    © 2005, Mark Wentz