A Traveler's Guide to Kentucky





Last week, my wife, my mother-in-law, and I traveled to Kentucky. My brother-in-law, his wife, and their two children live there. There were two reasons for this trip. The first was to see family. The second was to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday/anniversary. She's something like 122/93. When you get past a certain age, you have two numbers: the first is your actual age; the second, the anniversary of when you first claimed to be twenty-nine. So, my mother-in-law is 122 years old, but has been "29" for 93 years. I kid her. She's not really 122. I can't tell you her real age, but it is somewhat less than 122.

Anyway, back to our trip. In the years that I've been traveling to Kentucky, I've learned a few things. Some life experiences. Some words of advise. A few "Keys to Kentucky," if you will.

First, don't fly to Louisville. You can visit Louisville; just don't fly there. You see, as you descend into Louisville, you fly directly over three cemeteries. I'm not going to go into possible explanations as to why there happen to be cemeteries right where an airplane could, say, crash in a fiery explosion. It's just that looking at a cemetery while you are in an airplane is not a confidence builder. And you DO NOT want to die in an airplane crash. I don't know what laws of physics a person's soul must obey, but I do know that when you die in an airplane crash, you're already heading down. It would take a massive change of momentum in order to head upwards. So don't fly into Louisville. It's just not worth the stress.

Once you've driven, walked, or swam to Louisville or have flown to other parts of the state, you're probably going to want entertainment. Well, You're in luck. There are a few things to do in Kentucky.

In Louisville, for example, they have the Louisville Slugger factory. If you don't know, Louisville Slugger makes baseball bats. The same kind that (insert your favorite homerun hitter here) and Mark McGwire use to knock home runs out of the park! There's a gigantic one outside the front door of the factory. I can only assume it was the one that Paul Bunyan used because only he and Godzilla were big enough to use that large a bat and, as everyone knows, Godzilla was a pitcher. Anyway, you can take a tour to see how bats are made. If you ask nicely (and pay a large sum of money), they'll make a baseball bat with your name on it.

Baseball isn't the only sport in Kentucky. Kentuckians love their horses. At Churchill Downs, they have a big horsey race. They call it the Kentucky Derby. The race is so big, that schools and businesses are closed the day before the race. It's so big that roads and buildings are named after racehorses. It's so big that it's it warrants linear inches in this commentary. It's big! It's about two minutes long.

Basketball is also big in Kentucky. College basketball, specifically. I don't know why, but they seem to enjoy it. There are two major teams in Kentucky: the University of Kentucky and the University of Louisville. You have to like one, but you can't like both. So I root for UK. The big news now is that longtime UK coach Rick Patino is now going to coach Louisville. That kind of treason is surpassed only by your dad telling you to pull out of your semifinal match so that your sister Serena could win the tournament. But, the point is, if you like college basketball, pay a visit to Kentucky.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is food. They have food in Kentucky. In fact, a lot of national chains were first tested in Kentucky. For example, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Kentucky Fried Chicken made its start in Kentucky. KFC is a fast-food restaurant specializing in fried chicken of all things. They claim to use 11 herbs and spices and (here's the shocking part) none of them are named Sporty. Rumor has it that there is a night manager somewhere named Posh Herb, but that's just hearsay. But the 11-herbed-and-spiced chicken is fried. As are the potato wedges. As are the soft drinks. As are the chairs. So when you're have a hankerin' for some fat- and cholesterol-laden chicken, think of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Finger-lickin' good!

In Rochester, we have a couple KFC restaurants. One was recently remodeled and now has a picture of Colonel Sanders on the front. A huge picture. A huge picture of a guy with a goatee. A huge picture of a guy in a goatee with a lot of red in the background. Whenever I go past the restaurant, I suddenly feel like I'm in Moscow walking in front of a big Lenin banner. (It may just be capitalist-pig propaganda, but I heard rumors that they sometimes nuke the food there. Darn commies!) I'm not a big fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

So that's a quick guide to Kentucky. I may have left out important information. But you can be certain that I included the most important piece of information!

Don't fly into Louisville!

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If you have any constructive thoughts on my commentary, let me know. If, for some reason, you'd like my opinion on a certain topic and want to suggest a commentary topic, let me know that, too. My e-mail address for such endeavors is mark@wentzmania.com.

© 2001, Mark Wentz