Not Believing is Not Seeing
Sure, the “experts” will suggest otherwise. Sure, history, evidence, and statistics may point other directions. Sure, the newspapers suggest they’ve already lost four times this season. HOWEVER, I believe they haven’t actually lost and won’t lose.
Usually, I’d be considered stubborn or clueless for such statements. Fortunately for me, President Bush has provided ground for me to stand on. Have you seen his administration’s view on global warming? It ranges from “We’ll adapt” to “Whachutalkinbout.” That’s the kind of thinking that allows folks like me to doubt everything.
David St. Hubbins once said “I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.” Nonsense. There’s a reason Bush is President and St. Hubbins is merely a guitarist for a band in some movie.
But Bush is not alone. Republican Senator James Inhofe has reported referred to global warming as a hoax. Amen, brother! I personally view the four alleged Viking losses this year as a hoax. Inhofe is quoted as saying “Alarmists continue to pursue doomsday scenarios about global warming, but without releasing the basis for their claims.” If you replace “global warming” with “Viking games against the Packers, Colts, Eagles, and Giants;” you pretty much have my view on the Vikings record. The NFL standings in the newspaper claim the Vikings lost some games, but they don’t release any proof of such anomalies. And I’m supposed to believe this nonsense? What the Inhofe are they smoking?
My sister, Amy, BEGGED me to write about this. Okay, she suggested I write about this. Okay, she thought I might have something to say. Here’s the quote from the e-mail message (which included a copy of the CNN piece): “Mark, you're the writer. [speaking of hoaxes . . .] I thought you might have something to say about this someday on wentzmania.com.”
Do you like how I exaggerated my sister’s request in a piece about exaggerations? I did that to show how easily facts can be drawn out to prove a theory. Do you like how I lied about my reasoning so I could make a point in a piece about exaggerations? I hope you all can keep up with the many lessons I am teaching you today.
So, I think it is obvious that global warming won’t exist, that Vikings’ losses don’t exist, and that my sister shouldn’t exist.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with my water sport friends.
Surf’s up at the North Pole!
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2004, Mark Wentz