Not Just a New Kitten, but Also a Petting Zoo and an NRA Membership!

We expected a few things to happen with a new kitten: fighting, increased cat food budget, blood, etc. We got all of those, but we also got other things.

For instance, we somehow ended up with a petting zoo. The first time Gonzo saw Karma, she was, to say the least, surprised and upset. To say the most, she was a cow. She let out what both my wife and I would describe as a moo. For those of you not familiar with farms, the moo is the native tongue of the cow. Anyway, my wife and I were suprised by Gonzo's reaction. In fact, if it weren't for the obvious hatred Gonzo acquired for us, we'd probably still be laughing. But that moment was too stressful for laughter. So we just snickered. (The snicker being the native tongue of those to stressed out to laugh.)

Not only did we acquire a cow with our cat, but we also acquired a penguin. Karma is just learning how to meow and make other cat noises. Well, one of those noises isn't quite right. The best way I can describe it is like those noises penquins make on those nature shows on television. (I'm pretty certain Gonzo wouldn't mind if her new "mate" left our "ice-flow sweet ice-flow" to forage for food for months on end.)

And our petting zoo is not just based on noises. Judging by the way Karma leaps from one piece of furniture to another, we've also acquired a kangaroo. Judging by the speed in which a nervous Gonzo now navigates our house, we've acquired a sloth. Judging by the speed in which Gonzo moves after being startled by Karma, we've also acquired a jack-rabbit.

But we didn't just end up with a petting zoo. I believe Gonzo wants to join up with the National Rifle Association.

Gonzo's always been Republican. She hates change--progress or otherwise. New things scare her. And if I've heard her caterwaul about the capital gains tax once, I've heard it thousands of times. (Apparently it's difficult to "unload" hairballs when you have to pay taxes on them.) And, now, I think she wants in on the gun craze.

At first, my wife and I were frustrated with Gonzo's hesitance in accepting Karma. We thought it was just because she was Republican and hated kids (as Republicans so often do). I could easily see her demanding a cut in funding for education. I could see her screaming for a kid to get off the lawn. If cats were citizens, she would be at city council meetings complaining about "lower property values." We thought Gonzo's resistance was simply a political thing.

But then it dawned on me. Not only was Karma young; she was an intruder. Gonzo has no idea who Karma is and why Karma is here. Karma just showed up one day and hasn't left. As far as Gonzo is concerned, Karma isn't welcome. Gonzo wants to get rid of Karma. In short, Gonzo wants a gun!

When we took Karma to the vet for a check-up, my wife asked how we could speed up the acceptance process. The vet said to be patient and give the cats some time.

But put that in the intruder context and it sounds silly. Imagine calling the police to report an intruder, only to have the officer tell you, "Give the intruder time. You'll grow to like her." So you hang out with the intruder. You eat and sleep with her. You compete with her for your family's affections. You try to get used to the intruder's scent.

That's just silly. And that is just what the NRA is trying to fight. They argue that you shouldn't have to house with intruders--you should get rid of them. If necessary, with an automatic rifle--bought at a friendly, neighborhood gun show with NO background check. (As I recall, the NRA's slogan is "Oh please, be necessary!")

As time goes on, I'm starting to believe more in the intruder perspective than in the playmate perspective. Every once in a while, Karma wants to play a game with Gonzo. It's called "hide-and-go-ambush." Karma hides behind some doorway or some piece of furniture and waits for Gonzo. Then when Gonzo walks by, Karma will attack the surprised cat. You can tell when this happens by Gonzo's tell-tale blood-curdling screech. This is not something an addition to the family would bring. Karma gives every indication of being an intruder.

So, understanding her perspective, we now have a lot more patience with Gonzo. We understand that we wouldn't want an intruder in our house, so why should she? We understand that ALL animals want freedom to chose their own friends. Most importantly, we understand that she wants a handy shotgun with no trigger-lock.

After all, it's a petting zoo out there!

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If you have any constructive thoughts on my commentary, let me know. If, for some reason, you'd like my opinion on a certain topic and want to suggest a commentary topic, let me know that, too. My e-mail address for such endeavors is mark@wentzmania.com.

© 2001, Mark Wentz