Super Bowl XLI: WE PULL OX RIBS





Oh ho ho! It’s the Super Bowl. Colts-Bears. Peyton Manning vs. guys who are decidedly not Peyton Manning. This is the concern of the game: will Peyton Manning finally win the big game? (Before the conference championship game, the question was will Manning finally win ANY big game?) Here is the problem; the talking heads have had two questions to discuss over the last 5 years. Second, can Manning win a big game? The first, of course, is will Brett Favre retire? If Manning wins the big game (and he will), the only question will be will Favre retire. If Favre retires (and he will (unless he doesn’t)), the talking heads will, for the first time in the better part of a decade, need to come up with new material. And they weren't even very good with the old material.

So, as a service to my talking-head cousins, here are some topics for which they may discuss after Manning wins and Favre retires:

  • Domed stadiums: should they put that chia pet stuff on top of the domes to reduce glare?
  • Preseason game injuries: do we really need them?
  • Football field dimensions: Is it time for metric?
  • Corporate naming of stadiums: what are helpful mnemonic devices to help you remember which stadium is in which city?
  • Peyton Manning: can he win the small games?
  • Super secretive head coaches: Should we change the word "coaches" to "cases?"
  • Fact or fiction: are facts and fiction really mutually exclusive?

    There. That should be a good start.

    Now, results from my preseason predictions. I predicted the following teams would come in last place in their respective divisions: Jets, Ravens, Texans, Chiefs, Washington, Packers, Saints, and Cardinals. I was correct on three (actually, not too bad): the Texans, Washington, and the Cardinals. The Packers just missed the playoffs. All the rest not only weren’t last place, but made the playoffs. I really missed the Saints’ mark; they were just a Brees away from the Super Bowl. I, also, missed the First Pick in the NFL Draft prediction. Just barely, though. I predicted the Packers and they were only, oh, SIX games away from Raiders. Ooops. Better luck next year, Packers. You may still get it right sometime.

    Now on to the Super Bowl. Another prediction wrong. I said that I thought Tony Dungy would retire from coaching. He’s not only coaching, but coaching in the Super Bowl. He and the fore-mentioned Packers will, hopefully, attend getting-it-right seminars in the off season. Before that, though, he’s got a game plan to work up.

    During the play offs, head coaches like to tell the players that they are disrespected and no one has faith in them to win. The Us-against-the-World works. (Well, 1/2 of the time--one of the teams has to win, you know.) They could be 3 touchdown favorites with all the writers writing glowing accounts of the team and the players will still believe that everyone has them as underdogs.

    That changes this year. The Bears ARE underdogs. NO ONE is writing glowing accounts of them. They are NOT respected in this game. Their own moms are wearing Peyton Manning jerseys. (Okay, that’s a stretch . . . some of them are wearing Bob Sanders jerseys.) Count me among those who think this should be a cakewalk for the Colts. With any other team, overconfidence might be a concern. However, there are too many key people for the Colts who know they need to win this game and are not going to take the Bears for granted. The only concern they have is stopping the Bears running game as run defense had been a huge concern for the Colts during the end of the season. Of bigger concern is this: when you have Colts running after Bears, you know the ecosystem has been royally screwed up.

    So, Bears, you’re correct. No one likes you, everyone thinks you’re junior varsity, and there are a bunch of nuns looking to steal your milk money.

    Next topic?

    The Hall of Fame. On the Saturdays before the Super Bowls, they elect the next class for the Hall of Fame. This year’s finalists are Fred Dean, Bob Kuechenberg, Derrick Thomas, Richard Dent, Bruce Matthews, Thurman Thomas, Russ Grimm, Art Monk, Andre Tippett, Ray Guy, Andre Reed, Roger Wehrli, Gene Hickerson, Charlie Sanders, Gary Zimmerman, Michael Irvin, Paul Tagliabue. 3-6 will be elected. The interesting one in that group is former commissioner Paul Tagliabue. If he is elected, he will change the entire dynamic of the Hall of Fame. He didn’t really bring a whole lot to the NFL except money. The NFL made a ton of money. Marketing, television contracts, stadium naming. You name it, the NFL made money off of it. He didn’t really advance the game at all. He just delivered money. If he makes in, does that change how players are elected? Offensive lineman, sorry. You don’t bring in the customers, you aren’t marketed to the masses. Quarterbacks? Oh, we make tons of money off you. Here, take the golden entrance to the Hall of Fame. Or maybe I’m just over-reacting. (Just a bit.)

    Here are the nominees for whom I am rooting (I’m not saying they’re the best, just that they’re the guys I hope are deemed the best): Ray Guy, Bob Kuechenberg, Russ Grimm, Art Monk, Gary Zimmerman, Andre Tippett. In that order.

    More about the Super Bowl itself. I don’t know whom to root for in the actual game. I like the Bears better than the Colts, but I strongly want Tony Dungy to win. If the teams would quick trade coaches, I’d be set. That’s not going to happen, though. Since I have no talent evaluation skills, let’s see what I can come up with. Hmmm. I know:

    ANAGRAMS!

    Here are some anagrams of Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears.

    For the Colts:

  • SCALD A PINTO IN OILS: Reminds players to watch what they eat before the game
  • IN A PLASTIC LID SOON: Don’t forget your equipment on game day
  • CASINO DIP A SIN TOLL: Fans should be wary of too much betting
  • A DOLT PANICS IN SOIL: Dome teams don’t fare well on natural fields.

    The Bears:

  • GO CHASE A CRIB: A Chicagoland taunt?
  • SCAR A BIG ECHO: Just a reminder that some injuries can be a lasting reminder of events like this
  • I GRAB COACHES: Latrell Spreewell in the house?
  • COACH EARS BIG: Now the Chicagoland taunts are just getting childish

    It’s a push. No good. Let’s try the coaches. Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith

    Dungy:

  • DOGY TUNNY: the only one that came up, and not very good at that

    Smith:

  • HOLIEST VIM: Both coaches are known to be guided by faith, yet are aggressive coaches
  • SHOVE LIMIT: Reminder to defenders about the 5 yard limit before illegal contact
  • OLIVE SMITH: Cool, but what, exactly, does an olivesmith do? Add the pimentos?
  • IT LOVES HIM: The game loves Lovie as much as Lovie loves the game.

    Okay, we have a winner: Tony Dungy. I have never seen the anagram web site come up with only one anagram. Usually, it finds hundreds (95 percent of which make no sense). To have a name which only garners one anagram is a feat dwarfing any Super Bowl achievements. Go Tony!

    Sorry, announcers; it’s time to start dreaming up new story lines. You won’t have Dungy and Manning to kick around anymore.

    HEY, GIN, GET ME A JOB!

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