God-Given Right to an Emmy.
Wait! Stars shine. They aren't shined upon! The television stars should be handing these things out to the assistants, writers, producers, caterers, etc. What's the deal? I guess the Emmys are simply more fuel for the stars shining power. Sigh. Has Hollywood sunk that low that ego would rise about common sense? It would appear so.
That said, let's look at this year's contests.
Actually, let's not. The Emmy's are bogus. I'll tell you why. The nominations notoriously leave out the best in each category.
Consider the comedy categories. For lead actor in a comedy series, the nominees are Bernie Mac, Ray Romano, Kelsey Grammer, Matt LeBlanc, and Matthew Perry. Those are all humorous people playing humorous characters (well, except for Kelsey Grammer). However, they're missing the most humorous people on television: televangelists. You know, those guys on television waving the Bible around and preaching their Republican agenda as if Luke 16:35 read "Thou shalt not tax capital gains!" (It actually reads "Brush thrice daily!" but try putting that in context with today's society.) Bernie Mac? Yeah, he's funny. But what about Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell? These guys are so funny that I end up crying.
At least I think that's why I end up crying.
For outstanding supporting actress in a comedy series, the nominees are Doris Roberts, Wendie Malick, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, and Megan Mullally. What about those televangelist "news" anchors and reporters? You know the ones. They are on these Televangelist shows to "report the news" and then "discuss" the news with the televangelist. How funny is that? I'll tell you what, though; their writers are horrible. They keep feeding these puppets the same lines: "Amen!" and "Praise the Lord!" The televangelist will say something crazy like, hypothetically, "send us money" and the reply will be "Praise the Lord!" Even professional wrasslin's Vince McMahon writes into his show's scripts SOME contrary opinions and diverse thoughts. When your program's writers can't write a script as intelligent as the scripts for professional wrasslin', you're a-paddlin' upstream, brother. No Emmy for you!
If nothing else, would it kill them to write into the script Pat Robertson performing a tombstone maneuver on Terry Meeuwsen? Or vice versa?
One very good Emmy-deserving comedy series is "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Whose Line is a fake game show where the contestants play improvisational skits and are awarded points at the end of each skit. One such skit is called "two line vocabulary." This skit uses 3 people. One contestant is given two (and only two) lines he or she can use and the second also is given two (and only two) lines. The third can say whatever comes to his or her head. They are given a setting and then they improvise away. Since I can't spout spontaneous lines in a heavily reworked and edited (HA HA HA HA HA) commentary, I'll use someone else's work.
So here're the lines. Televangelist vixen gets these two lines: "Amen" and "Praise the Lord." Ed McMahon gets "Yes!" and "You are correct, sir!" (We use Ed McMahon because he's only ever had two known lines.) And here's the scene: Abe Lincoln practicing his Gettysburg Address in front of his two assistants.
Abe: Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation ...Now, had that actually been funny, you would have noticed how the women on televangelist programs are as hilarious as the folks on late night talk shows and evening improvisation programs. And, wow! Can Abe Lincoln give an address or what?
Ed: That is correct, sir!
Vixen: Amen.
Abe: ... conceived ...
Ed: Yes!
Abe: ... in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Ed: That is correct, sir!
Abe: Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.
Vixen: Praise the Lord!
Abe: We are met on a great battlefield of that war.
Vixen: Praise the Lord!
Abe: We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live.
Vixen: Amen.
Abe: It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
Ed: That is correct, sir!
Abe:But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground.
Vixen: Amen.
Ed: Yes!
Abe: The brave ...
Ed: Yes!
Abe: ... men, ...
Vixen: Praise the Lord!
Abe: ... living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract.
Ed: Praise the Lord. [bzzzzzzzt] Oops. YES!
Abe: The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.
Ed: That is correct, sir!
Abe: It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.
Vixen: Praise the Lord!
Abe: It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, ...
Vixen: Praise the Lord!
Abe: ... and that government of the people, ...
Ed: Yes!
Abe: ... by the people, ...
Ed: Yes!
Abe: ... for the people ...
Ed: Yes!
Abe: ... shall not perish from the earth.
Vixen: Amen!
Ed: You are correct, sir!
So, I believe that religious programs are undervalued as comedic entertainment, especially when it comes to the Emmy awards.
So you can go watch the Emmys if you wish. I think I'll just follow Luke 16: 35 and go brush my teeth.
Because cavities of biblical proportions are not funny.
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2002, Mark Wentz