Pass the Bill for the Minnesota Twins!

That's pretty smart thinking. I've decided to try the contraction idea some of my business wheelings and dealings, too. For instance, I will no longer purchase MLB baseball caps or jerseys. Like player salaries, the cost of souvenir jerseys has skyrocketed. I'm not getting the return on them I'd like. The expenses of buying them, washing them, and storing them is no longer fiscally acceptable anymore.

I will no longer collect baseball cards. It's not a very stable market. One day, my Mark McGwire rookie card is worth $23. The next year it's worth $498. A month later, it's only worth $150. There's no way to make future income projections. Why should I be held accountable for that?

My MLB game attendance will fall to contraction. No longer can I afford to go to the ballpark (where's the closest one now? Bud Selig's stadium in Milwaukee?), buy tickets, buy food and drink, buy "We're #1" foam mittens, or buy a poster of my favorite player (Sorry, Bobby Higginson). Just like Carl Pohlad and his Twins, I have to pay a lot out-of-pocket!

I'm not unreasonable. I will give MLB a chance to escape my contraction plan. I want them to build me a museum in which to showcase my sports memorabilia--for an entrance fee. I want MLB to pay for the land and construction. I want MLB to pay the property taxes for me. I want MLB to pay for maintenance and staffing. I want MLB to guarantee 400,000 paying customers will walk through the door and pay the difference if attendance falls short of that number. And when I become bored with that building (in 10 or 15 years), I'll expect MLB to discard of the building. I'll probably even demand a new bigger one.

Heck, just to show I'm not consumed by greed, I'll even pitch in $100 dollars myself! It's a very generous offer!

So, Major League Baseball, build me my museum or face the brunt of my sports contraction.

Okay, so there's one difference between the Twins attempts to land a new stadium and my attempt to land a museum: people want to see the Twins play while no one cares about my sports memorabilia. But the other points are the same--outlandish demands, over-inflated egos, empty threats. Just as I have no business demanding subsidies for my museum, private sports franchises have no business demand subsidies for stadiums.

It's a shame that the rich tradition of the Minnesota Twins might end because of the greed of Carl Pohlad and Bud Selig. But Minnesota will hopefully grow from this. In 1994, Major League Baseball canceled the World Series. I read a question regarding that: "Now that the World Series is canceled, what am I going to tell my kid?" I imagine now the question now will be "Now that the Twins are gone, what am I going to tell my kid?" Tell your kid what any good parent would tell his or her kid: "Go get your glove and we'll play some catch!" Baseball has little to do with millionaires employed by billionaires. It's about parent and child. It's about sibling and sibling. It's about friend and friend. It's about hurting your arm because you're throwing too hard. It's about hitting a ball and breaking a window. It's about hitting the big home run and catching the impossible out. It's about fun. The Minnesota Twins haven't been about fun. The game they've been playing is about greed, threats, demands, psychological trauma, and passing blame to others. Since Pohlad first demanded a new stadium, the Minnesota Twins haven't, in my opinion, been baseball.

So the question becomes, "Do you want to throw money at Pohlad and 'save' the Twins or not subsidize the rich and lose the Twins?" (In my world, it seems, questions have a bit of an editorial slant.) My preference is neither of the above.

I want Governor Ventura to call a special session. I want both the Senate and the House of Representatives to pass the following bill so Governor Ventura can sign it before baseball can finalize contraction:

Whereas the Minnesota Twins need a new stadium,
Whereas it is the sole responsibility of private industry to acquire its own workplace,
Whereas the Minnesota Twins refuse to accept such responsibility,
Whereas the Minnesota Twins are demanding taxpayer subsidizing for a new stadium,
Whereas the Minnesota Twins have made numerous (and, often, empty) threats to the public,
Whereas the financial situation of Major League Baseball can best be described as "chaos,"
Whereas the Minnesota Twins and Major League Baseball blame Minnesota for stated financial situation,
Whereas Major League Baseball has threatened the "contraction" of the Minnesota Twins,
Whereas the actions of the Minnesota Twins and Major League baseball have inflicted much undue grief and anxiety unto the citizens of Minnesota,
and Whereas Minnesota should send the message that we don't tolerate such nonsense,

Be it resolved that the Minnesota Twins baseball franchise is hereby and immediately evicted from the Great State of Minnesota!

I apologize to the many people who cherish the Twins and enjoy watching, listening-to, or attending games. Baseball used to a sport for the masses. More and more, that idea doesn't exist. Attending games costs to much for the work-a-day people who used to be able to attend the games. Even buying a replica jersey is expensive. As much as people want to hold on the memory of game day being a blue-collar event, sports teams are there for and cater to the rich who pay for luxury boxes.

Our only hope to regain control of Major League Baseball (at least for the moment) is to trod on them before they trample us. We should be saying to the Minnesota Twins what a former colleague of mine says, "Don't let the door hit ya where God split ya." Unfortunately, avoiding the door may be easier said than done for Major League Baseball and the Minnesota Twins.

They've both gotten a bit too big for their britches.

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mark@wentzmania.com.

© 2001, Mark Wentz