Doh! Clinton Will Have to Just Grin and Beret It!

Also on Thursday, some events occurred for which former president Bill Clinton must have responded with a perfect example of the proper execution of the "Doh!" expression. He certainly had reason to do so.

You see, for the last two or so years (perhaps terms) of his presidency, Bill Clinton was under attack from right wing fanatics. One of the attack points was his handling of the military. He was accused of having no set directives for deployment. They were overused and under funded. They were spread out thinly across the globe and didn't know what to expect next. Quite simply, the military was suffering from "low morale."

Bill Clinton took the blame for that. He tried to rectify the situation somewhat by increasing funding to the military. But it wasn't enough. The military still had "low morale."

On Thursday, that changed. Military morale got a boost. What caused such an improvement? More funding? World peace? A new Playstation 2 for each barracks?

Nope. Everyone received a new hat.

I beg your pardon. Everyone received a new beret--which I'm certain the Oxford English Dictionary will define as a French-originated word meaning "morale-boostin' hat."

Le doh!

All that time, effort, and money spent trying to help our service men and women, and all they really needed was a new hat. Clinton must be beside himself in embarrassment.

Unfortunately, the new hats have garnered new problems.

First, the issued berets are black. Fine and dandy, except black berets, up until Thursday, were worn exclusively by the Army's elite Rangers. Now, the Rangers will have to wear tan berets. It seems like it would have been simpler just to give the non-Rangers tan berets and keep the Rangers as sole possessors of the delightful black berets. But, then, what do you expect from an organization with the proud tradition of paying hundreds of dollars for a toilet seat. (Maybe the toilet seats were black.) Now, when the old Army Rangers tell their war stories to their grandchildren, they're going to have to add to the tales a few more sentences explaining how a black beret meant something back then even though they are now commonplace. If that doesn't touch a nerve with you, imagine Grampa Simpson adding several more sentences to one of his stories. I know what you're thinking: "Doh!"

Second, the berets were originally going to be made in China. That's right, China. No "Made in the USA" tags on these puppies. We were going to let communists supply the headwear for our armed forces. That's just funny. However, with the downing of a spy-plane and some thoughtful legislators, we decided not to use the berets the Chinese made. We still purchased them, mind you, but the folks in charge "disposed" of them. But the important bit is that we're not wearing hats made in China. We've sold our soul to Chinese sweatshops--not our brains!

Third, Spc. Angela Pena has a problem. It has been reported that Spc. Pena spent two hours shaping and adjusting her new morale-booster. She did this because she was afraid to look like "a French baker." I can understand her concern. If anything would bring about a hasty morale plummet it would be pointing your bayonet at the enemy and having them respond by ordering a dozen eclairs. So, in one way, Spc. Pena has a strong concern.

Obviously, though, Spc. Pena isn't up on her history. Think back to World War II. Where would the allies have been without the cunning baking skills of one Corporal Louis LeBeau? How many times were Nazi plans foiled, in part, with some delicious pastries? Truly, LeBeau had as much (or more) to do with the fall of Hitler as had any of Hogan's other Heroes. Democracy is the most envied political system in the world--and it owes its life to one delightful French chef named LeBeau. (Altogether, the rest of Hogan's Heroes can only claim the life of the Game Show network through several seasons of both Match Game and Family Feud.) That seems about as good as anything else to put on one's resume!

Clearly, there is no shame in wearing a beret. It's fun! It's versatile! It gives Colonel Klink fits!

So, hurrah to the military. Hurrah to Army Chief of Staff Gen. Eric Shinseki who ordered the headwear change. And hurrah to French bakers! Morale boosts for all!

Except President Bill Clinton: D'oh!

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© 2001, Mark Wentz