Baguettes, Umbrellas, and Kenny Rogers: Our Trip to Ireland!

No question, many tourism businesses and Irish towns have brochures promoting Ireland. These brochures that tell a lot about Ireland and all the cold facts with perfect pictures and a listing of hot travel spots. However, these brochures don't give you the flavor that a person who has actually traveled to Ireland could. We could give you that flavor, because we have been to Ireland.

We, having traveled to Ireland, have some idea where to go and where not to go. We have some idea what to do and what not to do. We have some idea of what to eat and what not to eat.

Let's start at the airport. Some of you may have been at the Minneapolis International Airport on October 4th. If you were there after 7:00 PM, you may have seen a person-free sweater on a chair. Why was it there? We forgot it! Learn from us, never leave your sweater on a chair at the departure gate of an airport when you are traveling to Ireland. It's just not a wise thing to do, especially if you like the sweater.

Once on the airplane, learn to roll with the punches. Of course, there is no room to roll on an airplane as they herd us in like cattle. (Well, like cattle traveling to Ireland.) They give you a small chair with no legroom and so crowded you have to share your armrests. Then, after everyone has squeezed into his or her six square feet of space, they show you a video. The safety-lecture video. Then they show you another video. A video they call Air-obics. It's aerobics on an airplane, so they call it Air-obics! They are as clever as they are customer friendly and in touch with the needs of passengers. The instructors are sitting in a row of seats that kind of resemble airline seats except for the video seats ample space. It starts off okay. They show us how to roll our heads to relieve stress or something.

Then it starts getting bizarre. They show us aerobic arm movements. Now, when you're in an airplane, arm movements need to be at a minimum. I know this because, as I tried to air-obicize, I knocked the cup of water out of the hand of the guy two seats over. The person between that guy and me would have probably laughed, had he not just been knocked unconscious by an elbow.

Finally, with the cruelty only known in the airline industry, they start demonstrating leg and foot movements. In all seriousness, I could only laugh at this. Here I am, not having enough room to have my knees directly in front of me, and they want me to extend my legs. I could only laugh. So learn to roll with the punches (unless, of course, you can punch the guy running the in-flight VCR) on your way to Ireland.

On our trip to Ireland, we landed in London. Actually, we landed in Gatwick and took a bus to London. Once in London, we decided to eat. It was a quaint little restaurant called Cagney's. What was interesting about Cagney's was that we were finally in Europe, eager to learn about a new culture, and we sit down to eat. While we were eating, we noticed something. The music. The music playing was Kenny Rogers. Why on earth were they playing Kenny Rogers in London. We ran across Mr. Rogers' work a couple more times during our trip. We were afraid that Kenny Rogers was to the British Isles what Jerry Lewis is to France. It turned out that he wasn't that big, but we weren't sure for a while.

But, on a brighter musical note, we went to the Teddy Bear Store on Piccadilly Circus. They were playing a Crowded House or Neil Finn (who was a member of Crowded House) album. Crowded House and Neil Finn are favorites of Stephanie's. What makes this more interesting is that we had stopped in the same store last September and they were playing Crowded House or Neil Finn. It was probably just coincidence, but I can't help wonder if they put the CD on "repeat" and it's been playing ever since last year. I also can't help wonder what playing the same music for a year does to the employee turnover rate in that store.

The next day we had to opportunity for more touring of London. For a trip to Ireland, we sure spent a lot of time in London. Anyway, it was sunny when we left the hotel. So we left our umbrella in the hotel and took the underground (London's subway system) to our first sightseeing spot--minding the gap, as always. As luck would have it, it was a day of contrasts. One minute it would be sunny. The next minute there would be torrential downpours. So Stephanie, her brother, and his wife bought umbrellas. (I didn't buy an umbrella because we still had one in the hotel. There's no need to have the umbrellas outnumber the travelers.) While we didn't need them much after that day, it was good to have them. So, remember, if you're like us and go to Ireland bring an umbrella because it rains a lot in... um... London.

But that would not be the last of the rain. It seems Hurricane Iris was going through Jamaica. We were getting residue from the hurricane on the British Isles, which caused us to be trapped in London. We were supposed to be taking a ferry across to Ireland, but it was canceled because the water was too rough. So, we had to stay in London an extra day and take a different ferry across--at 3:00 in the morning. So, when the bus unloaded on the ferry, we found some big chairs on which to sleep. Essentially, the ride was one big nap. We should have brought pillows on our trip to Ireland.

One of the first things to know about Ireland is the curse. The Curse of Tarbert is a little-known--but important--curse. As the story goes (and bear with me as I'm making this up as I go along), the town of Tarbert got tired of tour buses rumbling through the otherwise quiet town. A lot of buses went through the town because, on the outskirts of town, there is a port there for busloads of tourists to ferry across the river Shannon. In an effort to reduce the traffic, the otherwise good folks of Tarbert decided to do something. They are peaceful and friendly people and didn't want to actually hurt anyone, but they couldn't have noisy buses going through town. So they placed a curse on tour buses. If you take a tour bus through Tarbert, beware! It will break down. Well, SOME break down. Of all the things at which the Irish excel (working, singing, drinking, etc.), curses ain't one of them. But, as an experienced Ireland traveler, I thought I should warn you anyway.

As our tour went through Ireland, we notice something strange. The bus was pulling over in a small town. Tarbert! As the bus coasted to a stop, you could look outside the window and see, you guessed it, a graveyard. We, ladies and gentlemen, were victims of the Curse of Tarbert! We ended up trapped there for several hours. Luckily, the mayor, or someone who thinks he's the mayor, opened up the community center for us. And a pub owner opened up his pub so we could have lunch. All in all, the bus breaking down was one of the better parts of the trip. We got to see Ireland for Ireland, and not just the touristy side of Ireland. And if you're like us, Ireland tourists, you'll want to see the real Ireland. We saw the real Ireland!

We had to get a new bus to continue our trip to Ireland. One thing about the new bus was that it didn't have a CD player. We listened to CDs a lot on the bus: some of the CDs actually contained Irish music. Then we had our day song. At the beginning of the day, our guide, Leonie, played a song for us and we were supposed to sing along. The song was Spirit of the West's "Home for a Rest." However, we had only heard the song a couple of times when the bus broke down, so most of the mornings we had to sing the song having only heard the song a couple of times. It may not of sounded great, but we tried. Well, they tried. I don't sing well, so, well, I don't sing.

They have Medieval Banquets in Ireland. We went to one while we were in Ireland. They hold a banquet in a castle in character. They look medieval, they act medieval, and they eat medieval. But they drink mead. Please, please, please, use caution! Mead is an alcohol beverage. Combine it with a bit of wine and pretty soon you're loopy. Loopy enough, in fact, to try and roast mushrooms over a flame--holding the mushroom between your thumb and index finger. Please, do NOT try this at your medieval home! There is no smell quite like the smell of burning flesh combined with roasting mushrooms. In Ireland, drinking and medieval mushrooms don't mix!

What DOES mix in the British Isles? Baguettes, cheese, and tomatoes. Mmm, mmm, good! That's Stephanie's new favorite taste treat. A baguette it a bread that looks a loaf of French bread that was left in the dryer too long. It's the personal pan pizza of breads. You slice it open, put some cheese and tomatoes on it, and chow down. Do yourself a favor, fix one up right now. Or, if you're like me, just order the personal pan pizza. Now that's good eatin'!

So, now it's time to head back to London. But we still have some Irish Punts left. The Punt is the main unit of currency in Ireland. Those of us who have been to Ireland often have some left over when it is time to leave. That's okay. We have to take the ferry back and they, luck of all luck, have a store on board. In that store, they have a clearance bin for CDs. They had a Kenny Rogers CD in there. How's that? Given their fascination with Kenny, I was surprised his CD was in the clearance bin. I would have thought it would be illegal. They also had a Huey Lewis CD in there. Stephanie loves Huey Lewis. I can't let this pass. A Huey Lewis CD in the clearance bin! I grab the CD and run over to tease Stephanie about one of her favorite CDs being in the clearance bin. Never do this. Never! Stephanie ignored my teasing and simply bought the CD. So now, thanks to my evil nature, we have a Huey Lewis CD in the house. The moral of the story is this: if you're ever in Ireland (like we were), leave Huey Lewis be!

When on a boat, it often seems appropriate to go out on the observation deck to look at the view. There's no point in going onto a boat and spending all of your time in a store or movie theater. You might as well be in a shopping mall. (Well, a swaying shopping mall, at least.) So we go outside onto the deck. The deck is wet. I assume they swabbed it, as that's what seems to be called for on a boat's deck--at least according to television and the movies. ("Arrr! Swab the deck or ye be walking the plank, matey!") Okay, so the outdoor deck was wet. That's not too surprising. But it was slippery! The deck on a passenger boat was slippery? Do they not have OSHA in Ireland? I saw one fellow actually fall down. Luckily, he wasn't near the side of the boat or he could have kissed his brand new Kenny Rogers CD goodbye. (All things considered, they should have had Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet" CD in the clearance bin.) So, if you're ever in Ireland, remain in the ferry's on-board store.

Before long, (i.e. 40 hours of boat, bus, and airplane rides later), we were back home. Did our cats miss us? Oh yeah! There were starving for attention. They demanded to be petted all evening. In fact, at 4:00 AM they both woke me up in their efforts to get attention. Of course, I was still used to Ireland time. So, in effect, they really woke me up at 10:00 AM. Stupid cats! Don't they know not to bother me before noon? Especially after a trip to Ireland, where even the breakfast restaurants don't open until 12:30 PM. So, don't bother us at the ungodly hour of 10:00 AM. We've been to Ireland!

So those were the highlights and bits of wisdom we gathered on our trip to Ireland. If you ever go to Ireland, like we did, make sure to note the information we've shared with you. It will help make the trip more enjoyable.

Oh yeah, we also saw Blarney Castle, the Ring of Kerry, Buckingham Palace, the Guinness Brewery, the Burren, and the Cliffs of Moher. But they're not really important, are they? And we'd know if they were important.

Because WE went to Ireland.

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© 2001, Mark Wentz