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Dear Santa,
I have been a very good person this year. I mean, aside from being told by the Catholic Church to excommunicate myself for believing that the Bill of Rights applies to women, I can’t think of a single coal-in-the-stocking-worthy offense I’ve committed. (Please don’t check your naughty/list to verify that statement.) Thusly, I feel it appropriate to send you a list of things I want to receive Christmas morn so you can repay me for my year’s inconveniences. I expect nothing less.
For Stephanie, continued self-improvement for her husband
For the child we’re adopting, please see to it that he has quality parents.
For our families and friends, please see to it that they’re happy, healthy, and comfortable for another year.
For our cat Q, constant companionship from our cat Gonzo
For our cat Gonzo, a court order directing Q to stay at least 50 yards away
For the news organizations, an atlas of the United States of America. You know, one of those where each state has its own unique color instead of each state being red or blue. That’d be swell. (As long as Minnesota isn’t mauve. Yech!)
For President Bush, an EBay account, so he can auction off all of the “tickets to send Bush home” (granted, only people dumb enough to sign up for political e-mails may get this.)
For John Kerry, some Heinz stock. (He never did quite ketchup in the polls.)
For Colin Powell, I don’t know. His dignity back? Free deprogramming sessions?
For Ron Artest of the Indian Pacers, BALCO products since he couldn’t even knock out an out-of-shape wannabe in Detroit (Does Ron know where I live??)
For Fox television, updated satellite equipment. That way, its right hand (Fox News Channel) can know what its left hand (My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, et al) is doing. Maybe that way Fox won’t be sending out mixed signals.
For new CIA director Porter Goss, a contract to have film director Michael Moore as a consultant. If you’re going to use only the information that fits your needs and purge any information that doesn’t serve your agenda, you might as well have the services of the guy the Republicans claim is an expert at it.
For Don Rumsfeld, would he like a book about on how to ask questions for which he already has short answers? Yes. Would he use it often? You bet. Would there be any better gifts for him? Not necessarily. Will he have a merry Christmas? Absolutely.
For Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek, Don Rumsfeld as a contestant?
For Ken Jennings, repetitive-stress-disorder therapy coupons
For Izzy Stradlin, Post-it Notes. Maybe he’ll remember the release his “Like a Dog” album some day
For Michael Moore, a sombrero. Baseball caps are so 1975-2003
For Republicans, a statistics book. Bush had 51 percent of the vote to Kerry’s 48: a three percentage point difference. In most pre-election polls, that spread would have been a called “statistical tie” and not a mandate or convincing win.
For Democrats, a statistics book. Bush had 51 percent of the vote to Kerry’s 48: a three percentage point difference. In most pre-election polls, that spread would have been a called “statistical tie” and not cause to totally abandon your platform.
For the rest, a statistics book. Bush had 51 percent of the vote to Kerry’s 48: a three percentage point difference. In most pre-election polls, that spread would have been a called “statistical tie” but you’re still insignificant.
For Boston fans, something else to whine about. Let’s see. Ray Bourque not winning a championship. Done. The Patriots not winning a championship. Done. The Red Sox not winning a championship. Done (ugh!). Massachusettsian winning the presidency. Hmmm. We may have something here.
For Colin Firth, the title role in the movie version of Where’s Waldo. He likes roles in movies based on books, I like not seeing him: it’s win-win.
For Sean Salisbury, a coaching job. Or any position that doesn’t necessitate him calling a different quarterback “the best ever” each week.
For the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a new name. Only rarely do swift boats play any role in societal discourse; which may be why they had to go to such an absurd extreme when the opportunity arose. Swift Goat Veterinarians for Truth will have more opportunities for attention and, therefore, less need for huge lies to drag out the 15 minutes.
Four NHL fans, a performance by Professor Hinkle of Frosty the Snowman fame. Oops. Wrong kind of hat trick.
Finally, for Santa, I don’t know. Were you good this year?
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
mark@wentzmania.com.
© 2004, Mark Wentz
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