Chicago: My Kind of Decision

This year was different. I was watching major league baseball on television--a switch from recent years (when I'd watch major league baseball on refrigerator). I stopped watching baseball when Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad demanded that the paycheck-to-paycheck citizens of Minnesota pay for a new stadium for him. So I stopped following the Twins. And most of baseball. (I have to admit, I did follow the Mark McGwire chase for the home run record in 1998.) I even stopped buying the trading cards. This year, I've started watching baseball again. What changed? Major League Baseball decided to use contraction to get rid of the Twins. While this turned a lot of people away from baseball, I was pleasantly surprised. The people of Minnesota stood so strong that major league baseball felt it was better to just give up than keep fighting. Obviously, it would have been best if major league baseball had acted responsibly and built its own stadium (like THAT will ever happen), but contraction was better than the state giving in (which it did later). I take what I can get.

Back to watching baseball on television. I decided it would be fun to go to Chicago and see a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. So, I told Stephanie I'd like to ride a train to Chicago and see a Cubs game at Wrigley field. She fainted. I guess it is a shock when I make a decision. (Unless you think otherwise...)

We booked a hotel. We got tickets for the train. We got tickets for the Second City comedy theatre. We got tickets for the Reduced Shakespeare Company's play called "The Complete History of America ... Abridged." (We had seen their play called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare ... Abridged" and enjoyed it.) There was one thing left. Cubs tickets.

Now, everyone knows that the Cubs are a popular team. But who would have thought they would sell out every ticket? They're not a good team, ladies and gentleman. But, lo and behold, when we tried to buy two tickets, they told us none were available. Not only does this take a large chunk out of my birthday wish, but it also makes that spiel three paragraphs ago incredibly extraneous. Sorry about that.

In the theatre business, they have a saying: The show must go on! In the travel business, they have a saying, too: Well, we couldn't get the Cubs tickets we wanted, but we might as well go to Chicago anyway.

But wait! All is not lost! Oh, no! Luck upon luck! Stephanie discovered that Neil Finn was to perform a concert. In Chicago. On my birthday! For those who are unfamiliar with Neil Finn, he is a musician. In fact, he is a favorite musician ... of STEPHANIE'S! So rather than my wish of going to a Cubs game on my birthday, we are going to see one of Stephanie's favorite musicians. (Actually, I like him, too. But I'll never let YOU know that.) Good thing I finally decided what I want to do for my birthday. It is MY birthday after all.

So, Friday shows up and we're off to the train depot in Winona. (Rochester doesn't have a train depot.) Once there, we wait for the train. And wait. And wait. And wait. The train still isn't there. Fortunately, the ticket agent was ready and willing to give us the latest news on the train. Wait a minute! There was no ticket agent. He or she went on vacation. What the heck? Are Andy and Opie out fishin' or something? Do they not have substitutes for when the agents are on vacation? We were kept updated on the train by people who kept calling AMTRAK for train information. No wonder congress is so ready and willing to throw funds at AMTRAK. They're a top-notch organization!

The train was two hours late. That's unfortunate because we had tickets to the Second City performance. All was not lost, though, as my mom had driven us to the train depot so Stephanie and I were able to occupy ourselves by making sure Mom was completely bored. (It's okay -- she's retired!)

So the train arrived and we got aboard (as one would do when traveling by train). The seat was lumpy and hard, but, oh, the leg room. I almost couldn't reach the foot rest thing. I've traveled to Illinois several times over the last couple years. What is nice about the train is that you actually get to see scenery you don't see as a driver. For some reason, as a driver you're expected to spend at least SOME time looking toward the road ahead of you. On the train, you can't even see the SEAT in front of you. (At least on foggy days.)

The train stopped in Chicago and we got out (as one would do when the train ride ends). We left Union Station and walked about three blocks to our hotel. We freshened up a bit and called a cab. We made it to Second City in time for the show! Whew! (Hooray!) The show was HIGH-larious. If you have the opportunity to see their performance of "Thank Heaven it Wasn't 7-11," I suggest you attend. It pokes fun at attitudes and fears and life since September 11th. Also, the same person portrays both an African-American woman and George W. Bush. Wrap your mind around that one!

The next morning, it was off to tour the city. First stop, a restaurant for breakfast. I had the veggie skillet. Stephanie had something. Food, I guess. Who knows? Then we went to catch the trolley. Chicago has a free trolley to take you to many of the bigger tourist stops. It is wonderful. First and foremost, it is free. Second, it got us to where we wanted to go. What could be better? Okay, a dependable schedule and room for all of the passengers wishing to use it would be nice. But, if you don't mind standing and you're not in any big hurry, it is great!

We stopped at the art museum. I'd tell you about it, but it was an art museum. It has art. Blah blah blah. NEXT!

The next stop was to be the Shedd Aquarium. Unfortunately, we waited 45 minutes for a trolley. When one did show up, only two were able to get on. Luckily, Stephanie and I were first in line. A couple stops and a hike later (construction at the ol' Soldiers' Field place caused access problems), we got near the line to enter the aquarium. As we were walking to the line, the people behind us in line for the trolley walked out of a building carrying ice cream. That was a surprise for sure. Turns out, they grabbed a cab. Of course, all of us were wrong. It wasn't that far, it would have been quicker to walk from the art museum to the aquarium. Let this be a lesson to everyone: when visiting Chicago, bring footwear. The aquarium had many aquatic animals in it. It even had a pregnant beluga whale. You could tell it was pregnant because it kept eating ice cream and pickles, it was always uncomfortably warm, and it had to use the rest room every ten minutes. But it wouldn't trade the experience for the world.

Then we went to the penguin exhibit. We have to go to penguin exhibits because Stephanie loves penguins. So we went to the penguin exhibit. Good thing I finally decided what I want to do for my birthday. The penguins were unusually interesting this time around. There were two six-foot tall penguins: one in khakis and one in a wet suit. Stephanie informed me that these were not penguins but, instead, were aquarium dudes in the penguin exhibit. Hmmm...must have gotten in through the people door. The aquarium dudes were hosing down the exhibit. I guess it is better to have the animal waste in the water than to have it on the rocks. So, at the Shedd Aquarium, we saw a pregnant animal and animal waste. All we needed was a shark slaughtering its prey and the place would have made for a wonderful limerick. Oh well.

After the aquarium, we walked along the lake shoreline. Actually, we dodged along the shoreline. When in Chicago, beware of roller-bladers and cyclists. They are all over the place. After a while, we saw a park with a big fountain. Stephanie told me it was Grant Park and the fountain was Buckingham Fountain. I'd never heard of it, but Stephanie explained that it was the fountain shown at the beginning and end of "Married ... With Children" episodes. Good enough for me! I grabbed Stephanie and we went over to it. Apparently not everyone associates it with "Married ...With Children" because there were plenty of wedding parties there getting their pictures taken. Well, Al Bundy warned them. Now they're on their own ... um, together. One thing about Buckingham Fountain: often the water shoots sky high. Other times, the water only shoots, um, smog high. (What is a term for high but not as high as sky high?) Why is it lower at some times? If there is any justice for Al Bundy fans, it is because all the area toilets were flushed. [HA HA HA *clap* WHOOOOO HA HA *clap* *clap* HA HA] (Note: that was my impersonation of the "Married ... With Children" audience after a toilet is flushed.)

After that, we walked back to the hotel. Then we went to grab a pizza at Govner's Pub. I don't know if this was "Chicago Style" pizza or not. I don't know what "Chicago Style" pizza means. But we were in Chicago and had pizza. Isn't that enough? It was a thin crust and pretty good. Not Zadeo's good, but still enjoyable. Then it was off to The Reduced Shakespeare Company's production of "The Complete History of America ... Abridged." Very strange, but enjoyable. They interact with the audience, so beware. I got lied about and yelled at. One of the actors claimed I accused another actor of reading cue cards. I would never suggest that ... I doubted that he could even read. (Sure, I think of a retort NOW!) Stephanie got a bucket of confetti dumped on her. That's always fun. Oh, and they explained the complete history of America ... in two hours. In depth stuff. It had its funny moments, but I can't, for the life of me, remember what they were. Sorry.

After that was over, we went back to the hotel.

The next day, we got up, had breakfast, and went to the drug store for some bandages to put on erupted blisters. OUCH! Then we went to Navy Pier. Navy Pier is a carnival strip mall. A few fun places, but a lot of stores, too. We went on the Ferris wheel. Then we took the Architecture Boat Tour. That consisted of us paying money, getting on a crowded boat, and listening to a guy tell us that the buildings in the town were great and big. Whee! Actually, it was kind of interesting. After the Chicago fire (which must have happened before 1972, or they would have called it "Cowgate"), the world's greatest architects invaded Chicago and started designing buildings.

Then we went back to the midway. It was here that I climbed up the side of the Ferris wheel and pulled Hitler and Bin Laden out of the gondola and threw them into Lake Michigan. It was at this time we realized I was dehydrated and starting to suffer from delusions. So I purchased a bottle of water and we went back to the hotel.

That night was the Neil Finn concert. Before the concert, we had dinner. We found a restaurant near the concert venue. If you're ever on Jeopardy and the answer is "mashed potatoes, salad, and lemonade," feel free to respond "What did Mark have for his birthday dinner before the Neil Finn concert?" Now THAT'S celebratin'!

When Stephanie ordered tickets for Neil Finn, I had noticed right away that we were celebrating my birthday by enjoying a concert by Stephanie's favorite musician. I decided then that that wasn't good enough. So I sent an e-mail message to Mr. Finn. I told him the situation and asked him if he could include Izzy Stradlin, my favorite musician, in the evening's fun. Unfortunately, Izzy wasn't included in the fun. Maybe Izzy was busy--which would be both likely and rhyming. Maybe Neil doesn't like Izzy. Maybe Neil doesn't like me. My bet is that Neil never got the e-mail and it was arrogant of me to suggest such a thing. Whatever the case, there was absolutely no Izzy Stradlin and a heck of a lot of Neil Finn; even for a Neil Finn concert. But I survive. The highlight was the song "Four Seasons In One Day." Neil decided he didn't want to sing, so the audience sang it. Perfectly. Even the guitar solo. It was remarkable. But it had to be a bit spooky for ol' Neil. How freaky is it when people are so fanatical that they can even sing your guitar solo? At least it was his song and not his personal information. That would be ultra-freaky.

"You were born in New Zealand in 1961.
Your third grade teacher's hair was in a bun.
You thought Yahoo Serious movies were a lot of fun.
Your first crush was Sam Nunn ... "

After the concert, we found ourselves singing our way home ... if singing is defined as "riding a taxi cab."

Monday had two items on the agenda. Visit the Sears Tower and go home. We ate breakfast, too. (I know some of you were a bit concerned.) On the walk to the Sears Tower, some guy by the name of Angel asked us how to get to the Sears Tower. So we all walked together and chatted. I think he was pretty much bussing his way across the country. Angel was very talkative. He made the mistake of chatting with the guy behind him in line for the elevator to the viewing deck. The guy behind him took communication as a sign it was okay to invite us into his investment scheme. It's stuff like that which are the reason I don't talk to tourists. Or locals. Or neighbors. Or friends. Or family. After writing the guy a check, we went up and saw most of Chicago from near the top of the Sears Tower. Things look very small from that far up: cars, people, buildings, planet earth. They have telescopes you can look through, but, with how small things seem to be, wouldn't a microscope be better? Maybe not.

After that, we went to the local drug store and bought lunch for the train ride home. Then we caught the train home and ate lunch. See? we do know what we are doing, sometimes. The train home was very busy. We were in THE car to be in. We could tell because people kept walking through. It was like it was Grand Central Station. Oh, wait, I was just in Chicago. Sorry. It was like Union Station. (I don't want to offend those who had just shown us such hospitality.) Some of them stayed. One guy wandered back to get away from some rambunctious kids in the cars he was assigned. That's all well and good. Except he left. He put his stuff on the seat, sat down for a bit, and then got up and walked away. He came back for a minute or two and then left again. Seems like he could have done that from his original seat. What do I know?

When the train stopped in Winona, we got out (as one would do when the train reaches your departure point). My parents were there waiting for us. That was good because we needed a lift home. They told me to make sure I mention them in my rambling. So here I am; writing about my parents like they told me to do.

Good thing I finally decided what I want to do for my birthday.

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mark@wentzmania.com.

© 2002, Mark Wentz