A New Theory in the Fight against Ignorance.

Surprisingly, with all of this stupidity, people actual enjoy playing trivia games. They'll get 75 percent of the questions wrong, but they play for the satisfaction. What satisfaction? The satisfaction that, somewhere down the line (WAY down the line), they may know something that none of their competitors know. Unfortunately, that "something" is usually more likely to answer the question "What are the dream colors in the song 'Karma Chameleon?'" (Red, gold, and green) than "Who is the Prime Minister of Canada?" (Bret "The Hit Man" Hart). If ignorance is bliss, there are some extremely happy people out there. Unfortunately, they probably are too ignorant to know it.

Knowledge is power. We, my friends, are powerless. It's time to lower the bar a little, though. In this era of "team building," why are we still evaluated using the archaic notion of personal ability? It's time we become complements of each other. Together, we can build mountains. Well, wait. Let's not go overboard. Together, we can build multiplication tables. (As long as we don't go past 10 x 10.)

I give you

The Two Degrees of Knowledge!

With the Two Degrees of Knowledge, any knowledge you possess is accepted as knowledge of anyone who knows you. Therefore, if you know the cube root of 27, then anyone who knows you also knows the cube root of 27 (3). If anyone you know knows the name of the element with the symbol "Hg" then you know the name of the element with the symbol "Hg" (Yourguessisasgoodasmyguessium).

I invented this theory when my brother-in-law, Matt, first mentioned it to me. We were in London the other day (with my wife, Stephanie, and Matt's wife, Dorothy), trying to decide what tourist trap to next visit. Stephanie mentioned that, when we were in London last year, we stopped by the Peter Pan monument. (Dorothy, for the curious reader, was busy trying to figure out her calling card in an effort to call Jean Chretien to see if he knew anything about mercury.) Matt decided that he didn't need to see it because Stephanie had already seen it and that's as good as him having seen it. Thus, a concept was born. We called it the Two Degrees of Knowledge because it seemed to fit. Also, "Einstein's Theory of Relativity" was already in use.

Actually, my theory is already in use, too. That's the thing about science. You don't have to actually invent something to get credit for it. You only have to observe it. For instance, gravity was in place well before an apple newton fell on that one guy's head. (Although, the observation wasn't so much that the apple newton fell as it was that the moonpie did not fall.) Energy existed long before MC Squared's hit rap song about it. That one guy and MC Squared merely observed the phenomenons and got credit for them. To be a scientist, you can literally sit around all day listening to music and eating snack foods. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why science is cool.

But The Two Degrees of Knowledge is very much in use.

The television program "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" is a good example. They don't just take your wood for it, but they give you a phone-a-friend lifeline. If your friend knows the answer to a question, they consider it the same as you knowing the answer.

Remember those tests you took in school? Well, they tried to build up walls between you and your "neighbor." "No wandering eyes," they always said. Still, several got away with knowing what someone they knew knew and received better grades because of it. So, I guess, hooray for cheating!

You ever notice that when a big music act comes to town, the local news program tries to exploit it. They'll send a reporter out to get the "crowd reaction" or whatever. Before an N'SYNC concert, the reporter will ask an innocent bystander to name anyone from N'SYNC. Often, they'll show the perplexed among us: "Um, well, my daughter would know. Ricky Martin?" They throw that daughter part in there for sympathy--they think, "Maybe if I say my daughter knows then they'll count it as me knowing." As a side note, you get an entirely different response if the person questioned is a plumber. A plumber's answer would be, "Lario model 7830.101. Man, that is one 'in' sink!" (That is as opposed to the Kohler model YTY-54Z-Q1 sink, which, of course, is "So 1997.") Anyway, even people clueless enough to talk to television reporters have figured out the Two Degrees of Knowledge.

So, thanks to my keen observation and thievery, we now have the Two Degrees of Knowledge. By the way, it's not the Two Degrees of Knowledge Separation ...you don't jump two people. The first degree of knowledge is you; the second degree is someone you know. There isn't a "phone a friend's friend" lifeline. Don't get greedy.

So stay away from libraries. Don't hide in your room studying. If you're told about a secluded resort, tell the travel agent to bug off!

Socialize. Go to parties. Go to the big game. Meet people. Meet as many people as you can.

Because the more you know, the more you know!

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If you have any constructive thoughts on my commentary, let me know. If, for some reason, you'd like my opinion on a certain topic and want to suggest a commentary topic, let me know that, too. My e-mail address for such endeavors is mark@wentzmania.com.

© 2001, Mark Wentz