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6 years ago (yes, I’ve had a corner of the web for that long) I wrote that I root for some teams to lose. Well, since then, I’ve learned to stop rooting against teams. Now, I only root for teams to win. Rooting for teams to lose is so negative and reflects poorly on the fellow who screams “Favre stinks!” during the game--especially when it is a hockey game. No, rooting for teams is more positive and the cheers resulting from such an attitude are more family-friendly. Save the negativism for those who listen to talk radio or watch party chairpersons on the political shows.

“Well,” you may ask, “what if you dislike both teams? How do you root for a team you don’t like?”

There are two answers to that line of questioning.

First, if I don’t like either team, I should be doing something more useful than watching football. I could clean the house, read a book, interact with The Boy, volunteer, etc. But let us not insult the rational reader by even implying I’d not watch a game simply because I don’t like the teams.

Second, I root for the team I dislike less. It’s all relative anyway. Take the San Diego Chargers. I root for the Chargers for almost every game they play. Golly, my retirement strategy is based on my owning season tickets to San Diego Chargers games. (You only think I’m kidding.) If the Chargers play the Packers, I root for the Chargers. If the Chargers play the Saints, I root for the Chargers. However, if the Chargers play the Raiders, I root for the Raiders. Why? I like the Raiders. I like the Chargers less than I like the Raiders but more than I like the Packers or Saints. It’s all relative.

It goes the other way, too. I dislike the San Francisco 49ers. When the 49ers play the Raiders, I’ll root for the Raiders. When the 49ers play the Chargers, I’ll root for the Chargers. But, when the 49ers play against the Packers, I’ll root for the 49ers even though I dislike them. Since I dislike the Packers more than I dislike the 49ers, the 49ers get the nod. It’s all relative.

So, I ask of you, please do not let negativism seep into your sports viewing. All it takes is a slight attitude adjustment and rooting against one team can become rooting for the other. This is much more peaceful and stressfree.

Unless you are in the playoff season. Then all bets are off. There is a certain standard that needs to be achieved to be Super Bowl root-able. You can’t have a team like the Lions winning it. Therefore, even though you, like all sane people, dislike the 49ers more than you dislike the Lions, you still need to root for the 49ers. Even though it may be delusional to assume your cheering helps determine the outcome of a game, you cannot root for a team in the playoffs if you don’t want it winning the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, there are no ties in the playoffs. The standards for rooting are tighter, but you cannot hope for a tie. That’s not fair, but that’s the way it goes. (That is, until I’m elected president in 2008 and I ban the Lions from even be allowed in the playoffs.) So what do you do when the two teams are teams for which you cannot root? Root for the star player on the winning team to be injured.

Wait, that’s negative and unethical. Classless all the way, it is.

I’ve got it! Root for the star player on the losing team to be less injured than the star player on the winning team. That’s not bad; you’re rooting for a guy to not be injured. How’s that?

So what happens when you like two teams equally and cannot decide for whom to root? First, look at the roster and coaching staff. I’m not a big fan of the Buccaneers, but I have great admiration for coach Jon Gruden. So the Buccaneers get the nod over an otherwise equally-liked team.

Still no luck choosing a team? Watch the game and root for the defense. Specifically, root for the defense to perform either one of the two greatest plays in football: the interception returned for a touchdown and the blocked punt returned for a touchdown. When one of the teams performs one of these feats, start a-rootin’ for that team.

The interception returned for a touchdown is a very sleek play. It happens so quickly that, quite often, most of the players aren’t sure what even happened. I like the jailbreak aspect of the blocked punt for a touchdown (although, I’m not sure I’m in favor real life jailbreaks . . . just those in football form). The blocked punt is also fun because it is a special teams play. The special teams are usually populated with second string players. Thus, a guy can go from rarely being near a football to scoring a huge touchdown in a matter of seconds. Who can find that disagreeable? (I mean, besides the punter.)

Fumbles and blocked fields goals returned for touchdowns don’t count in this, mind you. Fumbles are too often recovered and returned by guys who sole purpose is to be extremely overweight (and, thereby, difficult to block) and watching them run for a touchdown can be straining to this ol’ bleeding heart. Blocked field goals don’t count because I am one of those who believe placekickers should be banned from football. They provide the weak moral victories of football. “Well, we didn’t score a touchdown, but, by gum, we did have some guy with a sparkling clean uniform kick the ball between two posts. You can sleep well tonight knowing THAT, guys!” Earn your points. No kickers. No field goals. No blocked field goals returned for touchdowns.

But, soon, I must speak on the playoffs. I root for four teams: Vikings, Raiders, Chargers, and Bills. As of this writing, two of those teams fired the head coach and one fired the general manager. That doesn’t look good for their Super Bowl chances. For someone like me, that usually means that the playoffs are just something to pass time between now and the NFL player draft.

But they can still be of some fun. So, here are my thoughts on this year’s playoff teams.

Pittsburgh Steelers:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: They’re descendents of the Pittsburgh Steelers of yore, for crying out loud
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: I’m not

Cincinnati Bengals:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: I really don’t know, but I am.
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: I can’t spell Cincinnati

Chicago Bears:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: This is a team that enjoys an interception returned for a touchdown
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: I’m protesting Kyle Orton’s pathetic beard.

Indianapolis Colts:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: I admire Tony Dungy and, even before his son died, felt this would probably be his last season coaching as he’ll want to spend more time for his family.
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: Fewer games; fewer egomaniacs telling us how Tony Dungy’s loss affected them personally.

Denver Broncos:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: Jake Plummer is the Anti-Orton of beard-growing
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: Who cares how well a guy grows a beard?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: Jon Gruden is their coach
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: I miss the swashbuckler on the helmet

New York Giants:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: I’m a HUGE Giants fan. (Get it: huge? Giant? )
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: How can you root for a team “located” in New York but plays home games in San Francisco?

Seattle Seahawks:
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: This team never seemed to fit in the AFC West
Why I’m rootin’ for them: They’re now in the NFC West, and fit in perfectly

Carolina Panthers:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: My brother-in-law’s family lives in Carolina
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: That same brother-in-law wrote about what a propaganda machine professional sports has become

Jacksonville Jaguars:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: The J.J.s are DYN-O-MITE
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: That reference is so old, it brings back bad memories of Dennis Miller’s Monday Night Football career.

New England Patriots:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: I’m big on underdogs, but when an organization is put together this well, you have to tip your hat to them
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: I don’t wear hats.

Kansas City Chiefs:
Why I’m rootin’ for them: I received an e-mail message from some stranger who wanted to know who had to lose for the Chiefs to make the playoffs (The Steelers)
Why I’m rootin’ for the other guys: The Steelers won

So, there are my thoughts on the NFL playoffs for this year. Please enjoy the games and root for somebody.

By the bye, Brett Favre stinks!

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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.

© 2006, Mark Wentz