Valentine's Day in a Computer World





My wife, Stephanie, has had enough of me. It's been about seven years and she has an itchy mouse-double-clicker finger. She told me last week that she had looked at some online personals sites.

Apparently, the romance has worn off. No longer is she interested in sitting there on Friday night watching me play four hours of Nintendo while potato chip chips spray out of my mouth when my player gets a touchdown. There's no accounting for taste, I guess.

Anyway, she hit one of the personals sites. She says she didn't enter any information about herself, but she did put in some criteria for her new man. He had to be from Rochester. (Wow. With such high standards, it's no wonder I'm not good enough for her.)

Wait a minute! I'm from Rochester. In fact, I've even been referred to as "Rochester's Number 2 Citizen!" I clearly meet the criteria. I think I'll apply.

I have a lot of competition though. As it turns out, there are a lot of single guys from Rochester waiting to meet women. Well, not necessarily single guys. A lot are married and are looking for, um, side projects. (One of the dumber adulterers actually put his picture on the personal ad.) Another guy didn't know that farm animals don't often have internet access. We'll just leave it at that. (Although, it should be noted the guy mentioned that safety was paramount. How wonderful for him.)

It's not like Stephanie doesn't have a history of computer dating. We first "met" over the computer. We were both on Skynet, an electronic bulletin board (just before web pages became popular) in Oslo, Norway. We started chatting and, bahdah-bing, we're married. Although, it seems we're not as happily married as I had thought.

One person--knowing my hilarious nature, I assume--asked how you laugh over the computer. It's kind of like you would normally, except that, instead of the vocal (or ASCII) "ha ha," it's in binary: 11011011 11011011. (Anyone who knows either what 11011011 equals or the correct binary equivalent for "ha ha" can just keep it to themselves. Basically, you scare me.)

So, now we're married and Stephanie is checking for other options.

For those of you interested in Stephanie, here's some information about her. Examples of guys she finds attractive are (based on the movies she makes me watch): Mel Gibson, Colin Firth, Harrison Ford, and Jabba the Hutt. Examples of guys she doesn't find attractive are (based on the movies she won't let me rent): Bill Murray, Chris Elliott, Mike Myers, and that "Hey Vern!" guy.

If you are any of the people in the first group, give Stephanie a call. If you are (or look like) any of the people in the second group, don't give Stephanie a call. If you are having trouble with deceased inter-dimensional beings, give ghostbusters a call.

So, Stephanie has tons of options in the internet dating world. It's quite exciting to see if I make the cut or if she decides on a new beau. I'm on pins and needles.

Or maybe I'm exaggerating this whole deal. Maybe she had a few minutes to spare and went on to the site to see what all the hubbub was about. Yeah, that's probably it. She just checked out the site for a lark in a moment of boredom. I'm sure that's it. (I mean, that's what she said when she gave me permission to post this commentary.) Whew! What a relief!

Anyway, today is Valentine's Day and Stephanie probably has a date.

I hope that date is me.

11011011 11011011

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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.

mark@wentzmania.com.

© 2002, Mark Wentz