It Started with a Dubya
There are many ways to celebrate milestones such as this. There’s a look back, the “A Very Special Blossom," the clip show, the moderated discussion, the celebrity cameo, and the mea culpa.
So let’s take a look back. How is life different now than it was when I started this? It hasn’t changed a bit. It’s the same as it was before. In fact, I dare say that it’s more the same now than it had ever been before.
Let’s try the very special Blossom episode.
[Stephanie walks in the door.]
Stephanie: Hi, everyone. I’m home.
[Applause . . . to the extreme]
Mark: Oh, honey, I’ve got some bad news.
Stephanie: What’s wrong?!?
Mark: Liam has an extraordinarily messy diaper and the social worker from the adoption agency will be here in 22 minutes! Oh, wait! We’ve had the theme song and some dialogue. That puts it down to 17 minutes and 52 seconds.
Stephanie: Well, then, change the diaper.
Mark: Hey, great idea.
15 minutes, 23 seconds later.
[Car door closes and social worker drives away]
Mark (to Stephanie): Honey, you’re the best!
[all smile as credits begin rolling and theme song plays]
No wonder they cancelled Blossom. Let’s try the clip show. You know, the episode where there is some lame plot line and most of the show is filler in the form of scenes from previous episodes.
Oh, my gosh, Mark’s at the dentist and we’re not sure if he has cavities or not! Hey, remember when Mark wrote this? “You end up in a worse predicament than you started--not only are these people still talking to you, but you invited them to talk to you."
Or how about this? “Whereas the Minnesota Twins are demanding taxpayer subsidizing for a new stadium"
This was a funny one: “They claim to use 11 herbs and spices and (here's the shocking part) none of them are named Sporty."
This was quite profound, considering the context of the commentary and Mark being at the dentist: “Then, after everyone has squeezed into his or her six square feet of space, they show you a video."
Remember the one that was the most asked about at WenCon2003, given the continuity issues and all: “As time goes on, I'm starting to believe more in the intruder perspective than in the playmate perspective."
And one more, to bring it all back home: “We looked out our hotel window and saw a bunch of tents on the sidewalk across the way."
Oh, finally! Mark’s back from the dentist. No cavities. Hoo-ray!
Should have clipped that one right out! Let’s take a spin at the moderated discussion.
Moderater: Mark, what have you learned over the past four years and seven months?
Mark: I dunno.
Moderator: Do you have any favorite columns?
Mark: Dave Barry’s column is pretty good.
Moderator: No, no. [sigh] Where have you seen the most improvement in your writing?
Mark: I use the word “portionless" more appropriately now than I did in the past.
Oh, the poor moderator. Let’s put the moderator out of his or her misery and try the celebrity cameo. Often, on a milestone episode, they producers will bring in an A-list celebrity or political figure. Ed Asner is on vacation this week, so we’ll bring in George W. Bush.
Dear Mark,That is what’s called a “Ratings bonanza!!"
Thank you for becoming a Bush Team Leader . . .
Finally, the mea culpa. I don’t know what that actually means, so I’ll just point out some mistakes I’ve made over the years. This is actually more of a year-end task by newspaper columnists, but I’ll give it a whirl anyway. Here are some of my mistakes:
My brother, Jon, pointed out two math errors I made. First, The Who has six letters. Second, six syllables in four words is 1.5 syllables per word. My math was incorrect on both.
My brother, Dan, mentioned that I didn’t know what I was talking about when I wrote about taxing the internet, specifically in regards to which portion of the internet was being taxed. He was at least mostly correct.
Another mistake I made was my actually believing the newspaper accounts that the Clinton administration had left the White House in a shambles when they departed.
Finally, my an idiot. (I don’t know. Some guy sent me an e-mail message reading “your an idiot.")
Oh, yeah, I actually have no idea if Ed Asner is on vacation this week or not.
So, thank you for allowing me to celebrate 100 commentaries. To close out my 100th work extravaganza, one more clip from a previous commentary:
At least, that's how I'm spinning it. (No wonder I'm winded!)
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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.
© 2005, Mark Wentz